Find us on
Monologue Genie
  • Home
  • Monologues
    • 2 Minute Monologues >
      • 2 Minute Ate the Divorce Papers Monologue
      • 2 Minute Terrible Being Nice Monologue
      • 2 Minute I Kissed Marisa Monologue
      • 2 Minute Breaking Up with Brandon Monologue
      • 2 Minute Fact Checker Monologue
      • 2 Minute 26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy Monologue
      • 2 Minute Honey I'm a Leprechaun Monologue
      • 2 Minute Quiche isn't Sexy Monologue
      • 2 Minute Puppy Room Monologue
      • 2 Minute Monologue Latte Factor
    • 1 Minute Monologues
    • Female Monologues >
      • Hit and Run Monologue
      • Ate Divorce Papers Monologue
      • Its Terrible Being Nice Monologue
      • Serial Dater Monologue
      • Switching Sides Monologue
      • Conjugal Connections Monologue
      • Turkey Day Monologue
      • Yoga Fart Monologue
      • Fire the Boys Monologue
      • New Year's Wish
      • Namaste Bitch
      • Quiche isn't Sexy
      • The Matzah Thief Monologue
      • Un-Chatty Cathy Monologue
      • Death by Peanut Monologue
      • Deafening Applause Monologue
      • Surrender My Love Monologue
      • Space is Nicer than Here Monologue
      • 12 Years Wise
      • My Father's Blue Eyes Monologue
      • Breaking Up with Brandon Monologue
      • I Kissed Marisa Monologue
      • I'm More Man than You Monologue
      • Almost 16 Monologue
      • Flunking Yoga Monologue
      • I Meditate Wrong Monologue
      • The Farting Yogi
      • Coffee Slave Monologue
      • Miss Havisham
      • The Gratitude List
      • Secret Identity
      • Secret Identity (Extended Version)
      • Always Smiling Monologue
      • There's No Place Like Oz Monologue
      • My Tattoo
      • Art Schooled Monologue
      • Don't Blame the Muse Monologue
      • Cranky Wife Monologue
      • A Good Pudding Monologue
      • Sleepless in Sukhasana
      • Welcome to FLY Yoga
      • Naked Barbies Monologue
      • Ken Doll Theft Monologue
      • Bell Shaped Body Monologue
      • Recess Monologue
      • Supreme Leader
      • Secret Identity (Extended Version)
      • Teen Monologues - Candy Girl
      • Teen Monologues - Pinball Eyes
      • Teen Monologues - Scared Popular
      • Teen Monologues - Not Impressed
    • Male Monologues >
      • The Roadrunner Never Looks Down Monologue
      • Most Frightening Wonderful Thing Monologue
      • Killing Chuck Monologue
      • 26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy Monologue
      • Fact Checker Monologue
      • Honey, I'm a Leprechaun Monologue
      • The Cheese Robber Monologue
      • Best Lazyboy in the Galaxy Monologue
      • Nice Catch Chuck Monologue
      • White Whale of Hotness Monologue
      • Unhandy Man Monologue
      • Maddie's Dad Monologue
      • The Cheerios War Monologue
      • Grow Up Humanity Monologue
      • The Burger Addict
      • Cat Mozart Monologue
      • Road to Ruin; Paved with Kittens
      • Love Sick Monologue
      • Hungry Yuppies Monologue
      • Basketball Therapy Monologue
      • Indestructible Super Puppies Monologue
      • Good Humor Man Monologue
      • My Dad's so Uncool its Cool Monologue
      • We're All Kings Monologue
      • Saint Peter the Cheater
      • Sleeping with Sleep Monologue
      • Wife Alert Monologue
      • Pretty Lies Monologue
      • Santa Monologue
    • Monologues from Plays MALE
    • Monologues from Plays FEMALE
    • Monologues For Teens
    • Monologue Recommendations >
      • Monologues For Men
      • Monologues For Women
      • Comedic Monologues
  • More Stuff
    • Monologue Writing 101
    • Monologue Catalogue
    • Magic Carpet
    • Contact

Monologues for Men | "Wife Alert" by Gabriel Davis

Bell Shaped Body
Comedic Female Monologue
by Gabriel Davis

I LOVE statistics and brownies.  Because statistics help me eat brownies guilt free.  In statistics, the average of any population is represented by a bell shaped curve.  Which makes my bell shaped body average.  

I always thought I was overweight.  Until I took statistics!  Statistically, I’m of average weight. That is to say, if the bell shaped body is the average american body, then I’m of average american weight. Those pompous thin fuckers are the OUTLIERS.  They’re the weird ones, I’m the NORMAL one!  

The bell shaped curve in statistics is called a NORMAL distribution.  That makes the fat on my body normally distributed!!!  

The images we see in magazines are a lie!  Those people are freaks!  Their skinny asses are hanging on the tails of the bell curve.  But those statistically marginal buttheads have the nerve to call me overweight? Truth be told, they are statistically underweight! So yeah, I love statistics and brownies. 

Want a bite?