Monologues for Men | Cat Mozart Monologue | by Gabriel Davis

Cat Mozart
Monologues for men 
by Gabriel Davis

Joe, you want a no-drama, conflict-free relationship. Believe me, Darlene is not the answer.  Sure, you’re hot blooded, she screams, you scream, we all scream for Darlene.  The fighting fast sex, the makeup slow sex are incredible.  I get you.  I been there.  First it burns so good, then it burns you out.   And you think you see a light at the end of the tunnel.   But there isn’t one.  Not so long as she keeps Cat Mozart.  

Darlene and I were actually happy, before that fat stray wandered through our window.  First time he heard us fighting, he started playing our piano.  We thought we hit a gold mine.  A piano playing cat.  Sure the money from YouTube ads was off the charts.   That cat went viral, but he’s also like a virus, man.   He’ll only play when there’s human conflict going on.  Try yelling at him, he’ll just stare at you.  But start digging into your significant other.  Start eating into their confidence, questioning everything they do … oh the music starts playing.

You know what I’m talking about.   He’s a conflict-cat, man.  He loves the drama. But those golden tunes he lays down, they come at a price.  Go ahead, try and really love her.  Compliment her all day long, you’ll see.  The music just stops.

And Darlene, she doesn’t want the music to stop.   There was one week, I refused to yell back.  I just bought her flowers, and wrote her love poems.   She didn’t know what to do. She had all this anger in her, see – but she couldn’t direct it at me.  She took it out on the cat Mozart.  “You’re a deadbeat!” she yelled.  “I feed and feed and feed you and all you do anymore is lie there on the piano, your feet up in the air.  Play something, damn you, play something!”  Nothing, see the cat only feeds on human conflict.

I kept at it, hammering away at her with gifts and chocolate and encouraging words.   One night, she found the kitchen mouse sleeping on cat Mozart’s rotund belly and I thought she was going to kill him.  “Calm down, babe” I said.  “How can I calm down” she said, “he’s supposed to have a killer instinct and look at him, just lying there a kitchen mouse on his stomach.  Kill that mouse!!”  She yelled at him.

“He’s turned a new leaf, babe.” I told her “this is good, cat Mozart is a pacifist now.”

“Its all that milk we’re feeding him,” she said, “It makes his belly soft like a waterbed so the mouse loves it there.”   There was no reasoning with her.  But boy did I love her.  I mean I do get you.  There’s something about her, her smell, her touch, those green eyes, that silky red hair.  I got down on my knees and I proposed, pulled out the biggest rock you ever seen.

“Where’d you get that rock?”   No “yes.”  No tears.  Just “Where’d you get that rock?”   When I showed her the certificate, she laughed.  It said “conflict free diamonds.”   She called me a pussy and that was it.  I moved out that night and I haven’t seen her since.

Listen, I don’t want to reign on your parade here man.  You’re pissed, I can see that.  But look, I’ve known you since what … third grade?  But think about it, why would she want me in your wedding party?   It’s more bullshit man.  Drama.   So no, I’m not going to be in your wedding party.  I’m not going anywhere near that ceremony.  And if I were you … I wouldn’t either.

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MONOLOGUES


Women's
I Ate the Divorce Papers
It's Terrible Being Nice
Serial Dater
Switching Sides
Conjugal Connections
Turkey Day
Yoga Fart
Hit and Run
Fire the Boys
Grow Up Humanity
New Year's Wish
Namaste Bitch
Quiche isn't Sexy

Men's
Frightening Wonderful Thing
Killing Chuck
The Fact Checker
Honey I'm a Leprechaun
26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy
The Cheese Robber
Unhandy Man
Maddie's Dad
Grow Up Humanity
The Burger Addict
Cat Mozart