Find us on
Monologue Genie
  • Home
  • Monologues
    • 2 Minute Monologues >
      • 2 Minute Ate the Divorce Papers Monologue
      • 2 Minute Terrible Being Nice Monologue
      • 2 Minute I Kissed Marisa Monologue
      • 2 Minute Breaking Up with Brandon Monologue
      • 2 Minute Fact Checker Monologue
      • 2 Minute 26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy Monologue
      • 2 Minute Honey I'm a Leprechaun Monologue
      • 2 Minute Quiche isn't Sexy Monologue
      • 2 Minute Puppy Room Monologue
      • 2 Minute Monologue Latte Factor
    • 1 Minute Monologues
    • Female Monologues >
      • Hit and Run Monologue
      • Ate Divorce Papers Monologue
      • Its Terrible Being Nice Monologue
      • Serial Dater Monologue
      • Switching Sides Monologue
      • Conjugal Connections Monologue
      • Turkey Day Monologue
      • Yoga Fart Monologue
      • Fire the Boys Monologue
      • New Year's Wish
      • Namaste Bitch
      • Quiche isn't Sexy
      • The Matzah Thief Monologue
      • Un-Chatty Cathy Monologue
      • Death by Peanut Monologue
      • Deafening Applause Monologue
      • Surrender My Love Monologue
      • Space is Nicer than Here Monologue
      • 12 Years Wise
      • My Father's Blue Eyes Monologue
      • Breaking Up with Brandon Monologue
      • I Kissed Marisa Monologue
      • I'm More Man than You Monologue
      • Almost 16 Monologue
      • Flunking Yoga Monologue
      • I Meditate Wrong Monologue
      • The Farting Yogi
      • Coffee Slave Monologue
      • Miss Havisham
      • The Gratitude List
      • Secret Identity
      • Secret Identity (Extended Version)
      • Always Smiling Monologue
      • There's No Place Like Oz Monologue
      • My Tattoo
      • Art Schooled Monologue
      • Don't Blame the Muse Monologue
      • Cranky Wife Monologue
      • A Good Pudding Monologue
      • Sleepless in Sukhasana
      • Welcome to FLY Yoga
      • Naked Barbies Monologue
      • Ken Doll Theft Monologue
      • Bell Shaped Body Monologue
      • Recess Monologue
      • Supreme Leader
      • Secret Identity (Extended Version)
      • Teen Monologues - Candy Girl
      • Teen Monologues - Pinball Eyes
      • Teen Monologues - Scared Popular
      • Teen Monologues - Not Impressed
    • Male Monologues >
      • The Roadrunner Never Looks Down Monologue
      • Most Frightening Wonderful Thing Monologue
      • Killing Chuck Monologue
      • 26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy Monologue
      • Fact Checker Monologue
      • Honey, I'm a Leprechaun Monologue
      • The Cheese Robber Monologue
      • Best Lazyboy in the Galaxy Monologue
      • Nice Catch Chuck Monologue
      • White Whale of Hotness Monologue
      • Unhandy Man Monologue
      • Maddie's Dad Monologue
      • The Cheerios War Monologue
      • Grow Up Humanity Monologue
      • The Burger Addict
      • Cat Mozart Monologue
      • Road to Ruin; Paved with Kittens
      • Love Sick Monologue
      • Hungry Yuppies Monologue
      • Basketball Therapy Monologue
      • Indestructible Super Puppies Monologue
      • Good Humor Man Monologue
      • My Dad's so Uncool its Cool Monologue
      • We're All Kings Monologue
      • Saint Peter the Cheater
      • Sleeping with Sleep Monologue
      • Wife Alert Monologue
      • Pretty Lies Monologue
      • Santa Monologue
    • Monologues from Plays MALE
    • Monologues from Plays FEMALE
    • Monologues For Teens
    • Monologue Recommendations >
      • Monologues For Men
      • Monologues For Women
      • Comedic Monologues
  • More Stuff
    • Monologue Writing 101
    • Monologue Catalogue
    • Magic Carpet
    • Contact

Monologues for Men | Cat Mozart Monologue | by Gabriel Davis

Cat Mozart
Monologues for men 
by Gabriel Davis

Picture
Joe, you want a no-drama, conflict-free relationship. Believe me, Darlene is not the answer.  Sure, you’re hot blooded, she screams, you scream, we all scream for Darlene.  The fighting fast sex, the makeup slow sex are incredible.  I get you.  I been there.  First it burns so good, then it burns you out.   And you think you see a light at the end of the tunnel.   But there isn’t one.  Not so long as she keeps Cat Mozart.  

Darlene and I were actually happy, before that fat stray wandered through our window.  First time he heard us fighting, he started playing our piano.  We thought we hit a gold mine.  A piano playing cat.  Sure the money from YouTube ads was off the charts.   That cat went viral, but he’s also like a virus, man.   He’ll only play when there’s human conflict going on.  Try yelling at him, he’ll just stare at you.  But start digging into your significant other.  Start eating into their confidence, questioning everything they do … oh the music starts playing.

You know what I’m talking about.   He’s a conflict-cat, man.  He loves the drama. But those golden tunes he lays down, they come at a price.  Go ahead, try and really love her.  Compliment her all day long, you’ll see.  The music just stops.

And Darlene, she doesn’t want the music to stop.   There was one week, I refused to yell back.  I just bought her flowers, and wrote her love poems.   She didn’t know what to do. She had all this anger in her, see – but she couldn’t direct it at me.  She took it out on the cat Mozart.  “You’re a deadbeat!” she yelled.  “I feed and feed and feed you and all you do anymore is lie there on the piano, your feet up in the air.  Play something, damn you, play something!”  Nothing, see the cat only feeds on human conflict.

I kept at it, hammering away at her with gifts and chocolate and encouraging words.   One night, she found the kitchen mouse sleeping on cat Mozart’s rotund belly and I thought she was going to kill him.  “Calm down, babe” I said.  “How can I calm down” she said, “he’s supposed to have a killer instinct and look at him, just lying there a kitchen mouse on his stomach.  Kill that mouse!!”  She yelled at him.

“He’s turned a new leaf, babe.” I told her “this is good, cat Mozart is a pacifist now.”

“Its all that milk we’re feeding him,” she said, “It makes his belly soft like a waterbed so the mouse loves it there.”   There was no reasoning with her.  But boy did I love her.  I mean I do get you.  There’s something about her, her smell, her touch, those green eyes, that silky red hair.  I got down on my knees and I proposed, pulled out the biggest rock you ever seen.

“Where’d you get that rock?”   No “yes.”  No tears.  Just “Where’d you get that rock?”   When I showed her the certificate, she laughed.  It said “conflict free diamonds.”   She called me a pussy and that was it.  I moved out that night and I haven’t seen her since.

Listen, I don’t want to reign on your parade here man.  You’re pissed, I can see that.  But look, I’ve known you since what … third grade?  But think about it, why would she want me in your wedding party?   It’s more bullshit man.  Drama.   So no, I’m not going to be in your wedding party.  I’m not going anywhere near that ceremony.  And if I were you … I wouldn’t either.

MONOLOGUES


Women's
I Ate the Divorce Papers
It's Terrible Being Nice
Serial Dater
Switching Sides
Conjugal Connections
Turkey Day
Yoga Fart
Hit and Run
Fire the Boys
Grow Up Humanity
New Year's Wish
Namaste Bitch
Quiche isn't Sexy

Men's
Frightening Wonderful Thing
Killing Chuck
The Fact Checker
Honey I'm a Leprechaun
26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy
The Cheese Robber
Unhandy Man

Maddie's Dad
Grow Up Humanity
The Burger Addict
Cat Mozart