Monologues for Men | "Wife Alert" by Gabriel Davis
Wife Alert
Comedic Male Monologue
by Gabriel Davis
Alarms? No I don't use alarms. I find waking up beside my wife alarming enough. No I love my wife, I do, I do. It's just she cannot sleep in. So I don't need an alarm, because I have this Wife Alert in bed. If it's the crack of dawn, she's alert.
It's like a genetic family trait. Like if they analyzed her DNA they'd see she's part rooster. And I need my sleep. I love my sleep. And on the weekends and holidays I want to sleep in but instead I have this Wife Alert blaring "Coffee, coffee, time to make the coffee."
And it's like she's jealous of sleep, like she looks at me if I sleep in, like sleep is another woman. Like "oh so you'd rather be with sleep than me." She's almost mad, like she's caught me sleeping with sleep.
So we're in couples counseling, and she's like "he's sleeping on me, just constantly. In the middle of the day, he'll sneak into the study for a quickie." A quickie, that's her word for a nap.
But c'mon a nap is not the same as sleeping. If it's under an hour it's not sleeping!
See longer version, Sleeping with Sleep.
It's like a genetic family trait. Like if they analyzed her DNA they'd see she's part rooster. And I need my sleep. I love my sleep. And on the weekends and holidays I want to sleep in but instead I have this Wife Alert blaring "Coffee, coffee, time to make the coffee."
And it's like she's jealous of sleep, like she looks at me if I sleep in, like sleep is another woman. Like "oh so you'd rather be with sleep than me." She's almost mad, like she's caught me sleeping with sleep.
So we're in couples counseling, and she's like "he's sleeping on me, just constantly. In the middle of the day, he'll sneak into the study for a quickie." A quickie, that's her word for a nap.
But c'mon a nap is not the same as sleeping. If it's under an hour it's not sleeping!
See longer version, Sleeping with Sleep.