Monologues for Women | "I'm More Man than You" by Gabriel Davis
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I'm More Man than You
Comedic Female Monologue from the play Unbearable Hotness
By Gabriel Davis
(Beatrice, a tomboy who goes by the nickname "Benny", is speaking to her guy friends about how she is "more man" than they are. She's always been treated as "one of the guys" until just now, when her "manliness" is being called into question)
It’s a dark day for all of us guys. Losing Marisa as an object of desire … it’s a real loss to all men pining after her everywhere. And it hurts. It really hurts.
What do you mean it doesn’t hurt me too? You think I’m not suffering? Suddenly you're acting like I’m not “one of the guys” just because my full name is Bernice. Did you just say because I don’t have a “ding-dong”?
You think a ding dong makes you a man? Look, I can drink you fools under the table, bench more on weights, and barbecue like nobody’s business. BBQ. I grill meats on my grill every weekend. I slather it with homemade sauce. Do they allow me to grill in the dorms? A man grills where he wants to grill.
Look, boys I need you to listen, and listen good. A man doesn’t need to have all that anatomical stuff to be a man. Man-ness is about grit and maturity and toughness. I may not have a ding-dong or balls, but I’ve got more cojones than you lot put together.
Now, let me show you sissies some Practical Magic. (Swings Marisa back and kisses her deep and long. Marisa's leg goes up.) That’s how a man kisses, boys! Hey Marisa, you can call me Bernice.
Sorry … sorry, Jill … just had to have a moment of glory. You guys are cute together. You two. Go! Go be happy.
But hey, Marisa. If anything ever changes. Call me.
Unbearable Hotness is available in digital and print editions here.
Guide to the play is featured on Stage Agent!
I Ate the Divorce Papers
It's Terrible Being Nice
Hit and Run
Fire the Boys
Grow Up Humanity
New Year's Wish
Quiche isn't Sexy
The Matzah Thief
Death by Peanut
Frightening Wonderful Thing
The Fact Checker
Honey I'm a Leprechaun
26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy
The Cheese Robber
Grow Up Humanity