Monologues for Women | "Serial Dater" by Gabriel Davis
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Comedic female monologue from the play Lacey's Last Chance
by Gabriel Davis
(Lacey enters a bare stage and addresses audience)
My father was a wonderful man who waited on me hand and foot when I was a child. Mother used to jokingly call him “the slave.” When I grew up, I expected to find a husband as loving and selfless as my father. Instead I found Frank.
I would always give Frank thirty minute back rubs, which he always asked for. He’d never give me back rubs unless I begged, and then only for thirty seconds. One time, I broke both my arms and they were put in casts. Despite this I continued with Frank’s back rubs. The doctor warned me that if I continued using the muscles in my arms that way, I would permanently damage them and have unbearable shooting pains for the rest of my life. I told Frank what the doctor said, and Frank told me I was exaggerating because I was lazy and didn’t care about how his back felt.
One day shortly after that, after a long time rubbing his back, my own was sore. And so I said “Your turn, and I want a half an hour because I always give you a half an hour, - what’s fair is fair.” And Frank said “I thought you gave me back rubs because you love me not because you expected something in return?” And I explained that I love him, but I also wanted something since I give so much. Then he told me I was just being selfish, and I needed to start trying to be a truly selfless person.
And so I tried to be selfless for awhile, but the shooting pains in my arms, which he also refused to massage, were so unbearable that finally I figured it would just be easier to kill Frank than continue trying to be selfless. And I know I should have just left, or something, but the apartment was so nice and why should I be the one to give it up? I’m the one who found it in the first place. And I suppose even then, there were other ways to handle things, but I couldn’t think of any at the time. Killing him was the best I could come up with.
The real problem with me and Frank was, I think, my inability to be assertive. To assert myself. I mean, had I just asserted my right to back rubs, and to my arms, and to my apartment which I found, then maybe Frank would have respected my needs and I wouldn’t have felt that killing him was the only option available to me.
I think I fluctuate between being too passive and too aggressive when what I really need is to find some middle ground between the two.
This monologue is featured in the play Lacey's Last Chance which is available digitally and in hard copy (click here).
Get Stage Agent's guide to the play here.
I Ate the Divorce Papers
It's Terrible Being Nice
Hit and Run
Fire the Boys
Grow Up Humanity
New Year's Wish
Quiche isn't Sexy
The Matzah Thief
Death by Peanut
Surrender my Love
Space is Nicer than Here
My Father's Blue Eyes
Breaking Up with Brandon
I Kissed Marisa
I'm More Man than You
The Farting Yogi
12 Years Wise
The Gratitude List
Indestructible Super Puppies
Frightening Wonderful Thing
The Fact Checker
Honey I'm a Leprechaun