1 Minute Monologues
Each of the monologues on this page can be performed within one minute. Ladies, your one minute monologues are first. Guys, scroll down. The monologues are each 130 words or less, edited for use in competition, and may be cut further as required with the author's permission. Contact the author via the contact page of this website for permission.
1 Minute Monologues for Women
#1 - Quiche Isn't Sexy (1 Minute Monologue, Female)
Comedic, from the play Quiche Isn't Sexy by Gabriel Davis
Quiche isn't Sexy. It's an egg trying to be more than breakfast. It's an omelet disguising itself as a savory pie. It’s the perky beginning to one’s day when it should be the lusty end.
You could have made lamb, rare and wonderful. Small bites would turn to large bites and soon we’d have the lamb bones in our hands and we’d devour it. Then we’d devour each other.
But you made Quiche. One does not devour Quiche. Quiche is eaten in dainty bites. And by serving me Quiche, you are telling me something.
Quiche is childish. Egg is just immature chicken. You see? We haven’t hatched. We’ve tried. We've rubbed the sticks together but there is no spark.
You could have made lamb, rare and wonderful. Small bites would turn to large bites and soon we’d have the lamb bones in our hands and we’d devour it. Then we’d devour each other.
But you made Quiche. One does not devour Quiche. Quiche is eaten in dainty bites. And by serving me Quiche, you are telling me something.
Quiche is childish. Egg is just immature chicken. You see? We haven’t hatched. We’ve tried. We've rubbed the sticks together but there is no spark.
#2 - It's Terrible Being Nice (1 Minute Monologue, Female)
Comedic, from the play Goodbye Charles by Gabriel Davis
Don’t do it! Don’t open that little box one more crack! Don’t ask me to marry you. Don’t say another word.
Before I met you I used be a raging jerk. Those people I introduced as my friends. They're not my friends. They're scared of me.
But since being with you, I’ve begun to feel warm inside. Fuzzy. I have urges to donate to charities. To help out in soup kitchens. To hug people.
You’re making me NICE! And if you open that box and ask me to marry you and I nicely say “yes,” I’ll be nice for life.
The planet already has millions of nice people. It doesn’t need me. I’m begging you – I’m getting down on a knee. Will you not marry me?
Before I met you I used be a raging jerk. Those people I introduced as my friends. They're not my friends. They're scared of me.
But since being with you, I’ve begun to feel warm inside. Fuzzy. I have urges to donate to charities. To help out in soup kitchens. To hug people.
You’re making me NICE! And if you open that box and ask me to marry you and I nicely say “yes,” I’ll be nice for life.
The planet already has millions of nice people. It doesn’t need me. I’m begging you – I’m getting down on a knee. Will you not marry me?
#3 - I Ate the Divorce Papers (1 Minute Monologue, Female)
Tragicomic, from the play Goodbye Charles by Gabriel Davis
I ate the divorce papers, Charles. I ate them with ketchup. Ha, ha. That’s funny, Charles. I’m laughing, not crying. Ha, ha. I’m laughing because you’re about to give up on a woman who is infinitely lovable.
Just ask Paul who's sent me over two hundred original love sonnets. Paul may be insane, but I would never ask him to sign his name to a piece of paper promising to just turn off his love.
So I’ve written you a sonnet. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate, rough winds do shake the darling buds of May and...” I’m not crying. I’m laughing. It’s all a big joke.
I didn’t write that sonnet. Paul did. I think it’s good.
Just ask Paul who's sent me over two hundred original love sonnets. Paul may be insane, but I would never ask him to sign his name to a piece of paper promising to just turn off his love.
So I’ve written you a sonnet. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate, rough winds do shake the darling buds of May and...” I’m not crying. I’m laughing. It’s all a big joke.
I didn’t write that sonnet. Paul did. I think it’s good.
#4 - New Year's Wish (1 Minute Monologue, Female)
Romantic, dramatic, from the play Hello, Goodbye, Peace by Gabriel Davis.
Here’s how it goes. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 - Happy New Year!
You don't rush down to be with them. No, you pull me into you. I breath in. My nose buried in your neck. In your arms. I let it all go. My shoulders drop. My neck relaxes. I’m safe. I’m ready to begin again. With you.
That’s how it goes, Robert. If you stay here.
Downstairs. Down there with them I can't feel your touch. Your father said if you want to run with the big dogs, you have to get off the porch. But if you run with them … you’re going to leave me behind.
It’s up to you, Robert. Please. Only a few seconds left. What will the new year bring? 5, 4, 3, 2 …. 1.
You don't rush down to be with them. No, you pull me into you. I breath in. My nose buried in your neck. In your arms. I let it all go. My shoulders drop. My neck relaxes. I’m safe. I’m ready to begin again. With you.
That’s how it goes, Robert. If you stay here.
Downstairs. Down there with them I can't feel your touch. Your father said if you want to run with the big dogs, you have to get off the porch. But if you run with them … you’re going to leave me behind.
It’s up to you, Robert. Please. Only a few seconds left. What will the new year bring? 5, 4, 3, 2 …. 1.
#5 - Yoga Fart (1 Minute Monologue, Female)
Comedic, from the play Yoga Fart by Gabriel Davis.
In Yoga, I farted. Loud. I assumed the ladies around me would pull rocks out of their lululemon attire and stone me. But nothing happened. Relieved, I laughed.
I laughed so hard infact that three more farts erupted. Now people were staring. "Excuse me," a woman behind me hisses. "Some of us are trying to practice yoga..." Across the room I catch my friend's eye, which gives me strength to say: "I'm practicing my fartnassanas." The woman has the most judgy glare on her face. Everyone is so still, tense.
Then a loud fart bangs from the far corner of the studio, its my friend. People start laughing and then farting is happening everywhere. A symphony of fartnassanas. I was free, we all were free.
Related Monologues: Farting Yogi, I Meditate Wrong, Flunking Yoga, Sleepless in Sukhasana, Welcome to FLY Yoga, Namaste Bitch
I laughed so hard infact that three more farts erupted. Now people were staring. "Excuse me," a woman behind me hisses. "Some of us are trying to practice yoga..." Across the room I catch my friend's eye, which gives me strength to say: "I'm practicing my fartnassanas." The woman has the most judgy glare on her face. Everyone is so still, tense.
Then a loud fart bangs from the far corner of the studio, its my friend. People start laughing and then farting is happening everywhere. A symphony of fartnassanas. I was free, we all were free.
Related Monologues: Farting Yogi, I Meditate Wrong, Flunking Yoga, Sleepless in Sukhasana, Welcome to FLY Yoga, Namaste Bitch
#6 - Deafening Applause (1 Minute Monologue, Female)
Dramatic, from the play Dreams in Captivity by Gabriel Davis
I remember how everyone got quiet.
Quiet...and still. Like they were all connected to me. All a part of me. And at the end of the show, when I took my bow the applause was— It was deafening. In a little high school auditorium.
Afterwards Dad took us out to dinner. And I was thinking, this is it, ya know. He’s finally seen what they all see. We sit down. The first words out of his mouth are “Sure, you were OK, but I’m not really sure you’ve got the movie star look. Take Annette Benning – she’s real tall” So I’m like, “What about Marilyn Monroe? She was short.” Dad just looks at my brother and says “Now she thinks she’s Marilyn Monroe.”
He didn’t want me to leave.
Quiet...and still. Like they were all connected to me. All a part of me. And at the end of the show, when I took my bow the applause was— It was deafening. In a little high school auditorium.
Afterwards Dad took us out to dinner. And I was thinking, this is it, ya know. He’s finally seen what they all see. We sit down. The first words out of his mouth are “Sure, you were OK, but I’m not really sure you’ve got the movie star look. Take Annette Benning – she’s real tall” So I’m like, “What about Marilyn Monroe? She was short.” Dad just looks at my brother and says “Now she thinks she’s Marilyn Monroe.”
He didn’t want me to leave.
1 Minute Monologues for Men
#1 - The Rub (1 Minute Monologue, Male)
Comedic, by Gabriel Davis
Why? Ok. Althea would rub our kitty's belly. I would watch thinking - that looks nice. One night, I exposed my belly. Althea reached her hand out. Oh yes! Here it comes! I close my eyes. Belly skin tingling in anticipation. Suddenly purring. Not me, kitty. Kitty had thrust his belly in front.
Stole MY belly rub. I'd saved him from a kill shelter. I tossed and turned. Couldn't sleep. Went in the next room. On my recliner, kitty. We lock eyes. "Bastard" I whisper. He says nothing. Begins licking his genitals.
Suddenly I'm holding kitty by the scruff "I saved your life!?" Althea's voice behind me "what are you doing?"
Many other nights I'd bring out my belly. Nothing. Divorce was inevitable. But we're different. Rub it.
Stole MY belly rub. I'd saved him from a kill shelter. I tossed and turned. Couldn't sleep. Went in the next room. On my recliner, kitty. We lock eyes. "Bastard" I whisper. He says nothing. Begins licking his genitals.
Suddenly I'm holding kitty by the scruff "I saved your life!?" Althea's voice behind me "what are you doing?"
Many other nights I'd bring out my belly. Nothing. Divorce was inevitable. But we're different. Rub it.
#2 - The Lazy Boy (1 Minute Monologue, Male)
Dark comedic, from the play Dreams in Captivity by Gabriel Davis
You know why men are constantly fighting instead of working together to survive?
Simple. Man is mainly motivated to sit on his ass. Our greatest inventors are busy right now finding more ways for us to sit on our ass better. And when they make it, men will kill to sit on it.
Wars will happen because every man wants the best Lazy Boy Recliner in the galaxy. AND I SELL IT.
I sell a deluxe Lazy Boy outfitted with massagers, heating pads, a cooling unit for drinks – it’s the closest experience of comfort a man can get on earth short of climbing back through his mother’s hoo-ha into the womb.
If it's a choice between that and helping you colonize space? No contest.
Simple. Man is mainly motivated to sit on his ass. Our greatest inventors are busy right now finding more ways for us to sit on our ass better. And when they make it, men will kill to sit on it.
Wars will happen because every man wants the best Lazy Boy Recliner in the galaxy. AND I SELL IT.
I sell a deluxe Lazy Boy outfitted with massagers, heating pads, a cooling unit for drinks – it’s the closest experience of comfort a man can get on earth short of climbing back through his mother’s hoo-ha into the womb.
If it's a choice between that and helping you colonize space? No contest.
#3 - The Leprechaun (1 Minute Monologue, Male)
Comedic, from the play Goodbye Charles by Gabriel Davis
Honey, I'm a leprechaun. Look at the facts. There's a salary freeze, I got a raise. The market is down, my stocks - up! That rainbow has been lingering in our yard a week!
People change. Not usually into leprechauns but - this can't come as a total surprise. You went on a special K diet, I went on lucky charms.
You can't deny the leprechaun beard trying to spring from my cheeks. It's 10am, I've got a five o'clock shadow. I've shaved six times today. Such aggressive beard growth is not natural...for humans.
And what about the sudden and medically puzzling height loss. I know the doctor called it "drastic spinal compression" but cmon! Please, just accept it, say "Honey, I accept that you are a leprechaun."
People change. Not usually into leprechauns but - this can't come as a total surprise. You went on a special K diet, I went on lucky charms.
You can't deny the leprechaun beard trying to spring from my cheeks. It's 10am, I've got a five o'clock shadow. I've shaved six times today. Such aggressive beard growth is not natural...for humans.
And what about the sudden and medically puzzling height loss. I know the doctor called it "drastic spinal compression" but cmon! Please, just accept it, say "Honey, I accept that you are a leprechaun."
#4 - The Puppy Room (1 Minute Monologue, Male)
Comedic, from the play Hello, Goodbye, Peace by Gabriel Davis
Convicted murderers. Lock them away ... with puppies! I can engineer a lifelike robo-puppy.
Fill a room with my puppies. Put a gang banger in there. My puppies will pounce, licking, nuzzling, targeting ticklish spots. They can't kill my puppies. My puppies are indestructible.
Imagine a gang banger. At sentencing, today judge says: "We're putting you in a cell with more gang bangers!" But what if judge could say “Put him in the Puppy Room!” At first the gang banger might say “No, please, no, no … not the Puppy Room!” But over time trapped with unkillable furry cuteness their gang bangy ways will be overpowered by LOVE!
I have a dream of invincible robo-puppies. Lend me your support and together we will lift humanity out of the darkness - with puppies!
Fill a room with my puppies. Put a gang banger in there. My puppies will pounce, licking, nuzzling, targeting ticklish spots. They can't kill my puppies. My puppies are indestructible.
Imagine a gang banger. At sentencing, today judge says: "We're putting you in a cell with more gang bangers!" But what if judge could say “Put him in the Puppy Room!” At first the gang banger might say “No, please, no, no … not the Puppy Room!” But over time trapped with unkillable furry cuteness their gang bangy ways will be overpowered by LOVE!
I have a dream of invincible robo-puppies. Lend me your support and together we will lift humanity out of the darkness - with puppies!
#5 - The Fact Checker (1 Minute Monologue, Male)
Comedic, from the play Goodbye Charles by Gabriel Davis
I'm not the guy who jumps a last minute flight back to New York and knocks on my best friend’s girlfriend’s door to run off and elope with her based on one crazy, thoughtless, inexplicably romantic night.
So what am I doing here, Audrey? I’m not passionate. I’m a fact checker. And the fact of me – being here – doesn’t check out.
This is the kind of thing that happens in the movies – and we’re not in the movies. We’re on McDougal Street. That is a geographical fact.
We can't do this. Because the fact is you are in a relationship. Because the fact is we just met yesterday.
But the problem is....despite every fact I can muster, there’s something that still doesn’t check out. I still love you madly.
So what am I doing here, Audrey? I’m not passionate. I’m a fact checker. And the fact of me – being here – doesn’t check out.
This is the kind of thing that happens in the movies – and we’re not in the movies. We’re on McDougal Street. That is a geographical fact.
We can't do this. Because the fact is you are in a relationship. Because the fact is we just met yesterday.
But the problem is....despite every fact I can muster, there’s something that still doesn’t check out. I still love you madly.