Monologues for men | "Hungry Yuppies" by Gabriel Davis
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Hungry Yuppies Monologue
Comedic monologues for men
by Gabriel Davis
Do we want our tombstone to read "here lie two yuppies who liked to eat"?
Let's face it, our website HungryYuppy.com is not going to change the world. Using Hungry Yuppy to geolocate this Pork Paradise is a “nice to have” sure, but it’s not like we’d actually go hungry without Hungry Yuppy.
Now today, that homeless man who asked us for a handout, he looked truly hungry. You just walked on as if he didn't exist. How can you do that knowing our father was a hobo? Don’t you wonder what it was about our dad, what strange charms he possessed that mother dove into a dumpster with him? I know you're angry that in the morning mother awoke to find a note scrawled on a used McMuffin wrapper. You resent that I keep that wrapper with me always, the only words we have of our father's. No, I won't "throw it away already."
(Removes wrapper from his breast pocket, reads aloud)
"Darling, I will remember and cherish our night forever. However, I am married to a prostitute and we try to stay monogamous. Me more than her. P.S. I stole your purse, please don't think that diminishes what we shared. You are special. XO"
(Replacing wrapper into his pocket)
Don't you wonder if he is still out there somewhere? Wandering the streets of the city? Every beggar I encounter, I wonder, could this be him? I look for similarities. Does his nose look like ours? Does he have our chin?
I know you say you don't ever think about him. But, I don't believe you. You who sit there, seemingly unaffected taking small dainty bites of what appears to be a maple candied pork belly lollipop. Like a pork pacifier. You’re using it right now to fill a void, aren’t you?
We’re focussed on the wrong market! There’s already a million apps for every yuppy like us with an iPhone, but not a one for all the bums with pay-as-you-go phones! I read a study that in bustling spots in big cities bums can earn upwards of $300 a day! The key is knowing where to beg. To finding the right begging spot.
BeggingSpot.com! That's what we should be working on! Mobile digitized heat maps with the best begging spots in hot red! It’s a social app, right. The homeless can use their mobile to check-in and connect with their friends - “hey guys, guess where I’m begging!” or “hey, some Scrooge just had a breakthrough on the corner of 50th and broadway and is throwing cash around! Get your butts down here!”
We can include user reviews “this spot sucks, some kids lobbed a slurpee at me” or “this spot is awesome, ladies with lots of cash walking poodles!” It can include lifestyle tips, such as which subway is best for squatting, where to find empty refrigerator boxes to craft into sleeping nests, and which soup kitchens have the best food!
I know, I know, many bums don’t have pay-as-you-go phones. So we'll raise capital on Kickstarter to get cheap phones into their hands. We can probably get a celebrity endorsement from Gary Busey, I'm sure he was homeless at one point.
And once we’ve got every bum in the city on our service - we’ll send out an application wide alert! "Attention bums of New York! If you remember sleeping with this woman," a picture of our mother circa 1988 will appear on their screen,"please press 1." He'll press one. Our pictures will appear to him, "Tis us, your twin sons! Please remain where you are. We have geolocated you and are on our way."
That’s how we’ll find him. That’s how we'll reunite with our father and make a positive impact on the world at the same time! What do you think? Are you in? Goddamn it Gregory, take that pig lolly out of your mouth and tell me you’re in!
Let's face it, our website HungryYuppy.com is not going to change the world. Using Hungry Yuppy to geolocate this Pork Paradise is a “nice to have” sure, but it’s not like we’d actually go hungry without Hungry Yuppy.
Now today, that homeless man who asked us for a handout, he looked truly hungry. You just walked on as if he didn't exist. How can you do that knowing our father was a hobo? Don’t you wonder what it was about our dad, what strange charms he possessed that mother dove into a dumpster with him? I know you're angry that in the morning mother awoke to find a note scrawled on a used McMuffin wrapper. You resent that I keep that wrapper with me always, the only words we have of our father's. No, I won't "throw it away already."
(Removes wrapper from his breast pocket, reads aloud)
"Darling, I will remember and cherish our night forever. However, I am married to a prostitute and we try to stay monogamous. Me more than her. P.S. I stole your purse, please don't think that diminishes what we shared. You are special. XO"
(Replacing wrapper into his pocket)
Don't you wonder if he is still out there somewhere? Wandering the streets of the city? Every beggar I encounter, I wonder, could this be him? I look for similarities. Does his nose look like ours? Does he have our chin?
I know you say you don't ever think about him. But, I don't believe you. You who sit there, seemingly unaffected taking small dainty bites of what appears to be a maple candied pork belly lollipop. Like a pork pacifier. You’re using it right now to fill a void, aren’t you?
We’re focussed on the wrong market! There’s already a million apps for every yuppy like us with an iPhone, but not a one for all the bums with pay-as-you-go phones! I read a study that in bustling spots in big cities bums can earn upwards of $300 a day! The key is knowing where to beg. To finding the right begging spot.
BeggingSpot.com! That's what we should be working on! Mobile digitized heat maps with the best begging spots in hot red! It’s a social app, right. The homeless can use their mobile to check-in and connect with their friends - “hey guys, guess where I’m begging!” or “hey, some Scrooge just had a breakthrough on the corner of 50th and broadway and is throwing cash around! Get your butts down here!”
We can include user reviews “this spot sucks, some kids lobbed a slurpee at me” or “this spot is awesome, ladies with lots of cash walking poodles!” It can include lifestyle tips, such as which subway is best for squatting, where to find empty refrigerator boxes to craft into sleeping nests, and which soup kitchens have the best food!
I know, I know, many bums don’t have pay-as-you-go phones. So we'll raise capital on Kickstarter to get cheap phones into their hands. We can probably get a celebrity endorsement from Gary Busey, I'm sure he was homeless at one point.
And once we’ve got every bum in the city on our service - we’ll send out an application wide alert! "Attention bums of New York! If you remember sleeping with this woman," a picture of our mother circa 1988 will appear on their screen,"please press 1." He'll press one. Our pictures will appear to him, "Tis us, your twin sons! Please remain where you are. We have geolocated you and are on our way."
That’s how we’ll find him. That’s how we'll reunite with our father and make a positive impact on the world at the same time! What do you think? Are you in? Goddamn it Gregory, take that pig lolly out of your mouth and tell me you’re in!