Monologues for Women | "The Matzah Thief" by Gabriel Davis

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The Matzah Thief
Comedic monologues for women 
by Gabriel Davis

We've given you a gift, now please give back the Matzah.  You know, we can't finish the seder until you return the matzah.  Yes it is traditional for the children to steal the matzah, the Afikomen, and demand a ransom for its return so the seder can be concluded.

But we have given you a gift... we've paid the ransom.
You don't want Passover to end?  That's clever, young man.  Its true we can't end the seder until you provide the Afikomen.

And you know how religious we are so you've really got us by the matzah balls, don't you?  Are you smirking?  Are you smirking at me?!  You think this is all a big joke, do you?  Myself and your uncle have work tomorrow.  What happens if we're still sitting here around the table waiting for you to return the matzah tomorrow?  Huh?  We could lose our jobs, do you want that?  You want us out in the streets?

(To her husband)  The boy wants us on the streets Meryl.  And you just sit there eating brisket!  
(Back to the boy)  Do you want your uncle Meryl to die of a heart attack?   If you don't return the matzah so we can end the meal your uncle Meryl will just keep eating Brisket all night long.  And then where will he be?  Dead and your dear old Auntie a sad widow.  Do you want me to be a sad widow?

You know, we could have you arrested for this.  Technically, you're a thief.  So we can make a call and ... and have you carted away. And ... and we'll try you as an adult!  Oh yes we will!  You've been Bar Mitzvahed - you're a man and we'll have you sentenced like a man!  You think I'm bluffing?!  

(Dialing)  I'm calling them now, last chance to return the matzah.   Hello.  Yes I'd like to report a theft.  Of matzah.  My nephew has stolen the matzah and refuses to return it, and soon I'll be jobless and my husband dead.  Please send someone.  (Hangs up)


There it's done.  Someone is on their way.  They'll probably sentence you to ten years of Passover. Yes that's a real thing.  You like matzah so much they'll feed you nothing but matzah for a decade! Your insides will be dry like the desert, and everyday you'll suffer in agony.  You'll call out "please lord, I'm sorry for what I've done, please let me just return the Afikomen!"   But by then it will be too late.

Well, it's not too late yet.  You can still give it back.  What's it going to be young man?  

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MONOLOGUES


Women's
I Ate the Divorce Papers
It's Terrible Being Nice
Serial Dater
Switching Sides
Conjugal Connections
Turkey Day
Yoga Fart
Hit and Run
Fire the Boys
Grow Up Humanity


Men's
Frightening Wonderful Thing
Killing Chuck
The Fact Checker
Honey I'm a Leprechaun
26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy
The Cheese Robber
Unhandy Man
Maddie's Dad
Grow Up Humanity