Monologues for men from contemporary plays
Monologues from the play Goodbye Charles
1. Fact Checker - Comedic Monologue
Excerpt: "I’m not the kind of guy who spends hundreds on a last minute flight back to New York, tears across town, then runs up six flights of stairs and knocks on my best friend’s girlfriend’s door in order to run off and elope with her based on one crazy, thoughtless, inexplicably romantic night." View full monologue.
2. Most Frightening Wonderful Thing - Comedic Monologue
Excerpt: "You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever known. And that can be a little...scary...I wanted to tell you something extremely important. But I choked. Big time. See, then it occurred to me: I should climb Everest. If I climb Everest, little things like this, they’ll be a cake walk." View full monologue.
3. Honey I'm a Leprechaun - Comedic Monologue
Excerpt: "Why can't you accept I'm a leprechaun? ... Look at the facts. There's a salary freeze but I got a raise. The market took a beating, but my stocks are up. Housing values are in the toilet, just not our house. No people aren't lucky like that. How do you explain that rainbow in our back yard? Rainbows do not linger for a week in low humidity." View full monologue.
4. The 26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy - Comedic Monologue
Excerpt: "I've been thinking a lot about what you said that night. That I'm not ready, that I need to grow up, that I'm not a man, and you want a man. I've been thinking about it ... I think I figured out how to fix that issue. My bar-mitzvah - my transformation from boy to man at the age of 13. I don't think I got it right. What if I got bar mitzvahed again? What if I got re-bar mitzvahed?" View full monologue.
5. The Cheese Robber - Comedic Monologue
Excerpt: "Keep your hands above the counter where I can see them. No one is going to die if you just keep calm and recommend superb cheeses." View full monologue.
Goodbye Charles is available in print and digital editions.
Monologues from the play Unbearable Hotness
1. Killing Chuck - Comedic Monologue
Excerpt: "I just fuckin’ killed Chuck. I think. I mean, he’s just laying out there. He's not moving. I don't think he's breathing. I mean, there I was just up on the roof with Marisa – talking, laughing, having a great time. I tell her she reminds me of Sandra Bullock. I tell her I loved “Hope Floats.” Who knew those would be the magic words?" View full monologue.
2. Nice Catch Chuck - Comedic Monologue
Excerpt: "Oh, dear, God in heaven. Please, please, please if you have any mercy, please just let me have her. Just one light touch, one little kiss. A smile, I’ll even take just a smile. Or a look. She hasn’t looked at me in a week." View full monologue.
3. White Whale of Hotness - Comedic Monologue
Excerpt: "I mean, when I think about her, dude, it’s like DAMN. Hot. Hot. Frickin’ ahhhhhhhhhhhh. It’s like burning my balls off how hot she is. Damn! I just want her. I have to have her. " View full monologue.
Unbearable Hotness is available in print and digital editions.
Monologues from the play Dreams in Captivity
1. Best Lazyboy in the Galaxy - Comedic Monologue
Excerpt: "You know why human beings are constantly fighting instead of working together to survive? It’s the same motivation that made man invent the fifty-inch flat screen TV. Men kill for their right to sit on their ass." View full monologue.
2. The Roadrunner Never Looks Down - Dramatic Monologue
Excerpt: "You’re so scared. You’re even scared to say you’re scared. Say it! Say “I’m scared!” I’m scared of taking a risk on my dreams! I’m scared of my husband’s dreams! I’m scared to death!" View full monologue.
Dreams in Captivity, available in print and digital editions.
Monologue from the play Quiche Isn't Sexy
Burger Addict - Comedic Monologue
Excerpt: "Hello, my name is Jay, and I'm a burger addict. Savory juicy patties on fluffy white buns fill my heart. Probably with grease.
My doc quite his practice to follow his broadway dreams. He still sees a couple patients backstage during intermission. But you have to pay for and sit through his shows. He takes my vitals and sing diagnoses me. Well, Jay you've got (singing, to tune of the Rolling Stones “Angie”) "Angi, angina, its from the burgers I fear. With no spinach in your soul and no quinoa in your bowl, you can't say you're satisfied?" His lyrics floor me. I run out and don't stay for the second act.
Next thing I know I'm at a gastropub slinging back angus sliders, and the barmaid is staring at me. “What?” I ask." View full monologue.
Quiche Isn't Sexy, available in print and digital editions here.
Monologue from the play Hello, Goodbye, Peace
Indestructible Super Puppies - Comedic Monologue
Excerpt: "A young engineer named Rob addresses a panel of scientists and investors to appeal for funding for a critical project ...
You study the behavior of convicted murderers, right? How many of them tell you that they were cuddling with an adorable puppy when they snapped? None, right?
So why don’t we lock them away with puppies? Yes, there might be a risk they would kill the puppies. But what if those puppies couldn’t be killed? What if I told you I had a way to engineer a puppy for both optimal cuteness and indestructibility?
I know, it sounds like sci-fi, but it’s not." View full monologue.
Hello, Goodbye, Peace available in print and digital editions here.
Monologues from the play The Five Stages of Love and Marriage
1. Sleeping with Sleep - Comedic Monologue, Male
Excerpt: "Calling Mary Anne an early riser is an understatement. Before dawn breaks, she awakes and blares “Coffee, coffee, time to make the coffee." I pat her on the head, AKA snooze button, and plead “Five more minutes honey.” Sometimes I pretend I have work to do in the garage and I just lay under the car with my tools and let sweet sleep take me. Then she comes in, finds me asleep and starts to cry. Like sleep is another woman. Like she’s caught me sleeping with sleep." Read full monologue.
2. Unhandy Man - Comedic Monologue, Male
Excerpt: "I come from a long line of apartment dwellers. When things like this happen we usually call the super. I know there is no super here, in our house. But why is that? I mean, why are house dwellers, sorry home owners, denied the luxury of a super? Oh, you want me to use a ... hammer? Because I’ve tried those. They do NOT work as advertised. Read full monologue.
3. Road to Ruin; Paved with Kittens - Comedic Monologue, Male
Excerpt: "...a weird feeling started creeping into my soul. I guess you could call it jealousy. But what kind of idiot is jealous of a cat? Haha... one night, as Althea lay there caressing the kitty I found myself thinking “When was the last time she rubbed my belly like that?” I couldn’t sleep. I go into the living room and there’s the kitty. Laying atop our beautiful baby grand piano, licking its privates... it looks up ... a mocking look on its little kitty face.... Read full monologue.
4. Maddie's Dad - Comedic Monologue, Male
Excerpt: "I'm trying to have her use the little potty. Like you wanted yes - and she's, she's struggling, ya know. I tell her I want her to be a big girl and she ... She says "Daddy, I can't ... I can't." I tell her to just be patient but she looks like she's about to cry and ... and then the first few tears start and that's when it hits me. "Maddie, honey - what if I told you I have a magical way to help you." Read full monologue.
The Five Stages of Love and Marriage is available in print and digital editions here.
The Most Frightening Wonderful Thing
The Fact Checker
Honey I'm a Leprechaun
The 26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy
The Cheese Robber
Grow Up Humanity
The Burger Addict
Road to Ruin; Paved with Kittens
Monologues from Plays