Monologues for women from contemporary plays
Monologues from the play Goodbye Charles
1. I Ate the Divorce Papers - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "I ate them. That’s right. I ate the divorce papers, Charles. I ate them with ketchup. And they were good...goooood. You probably want me to get serious about our divorce. The thing is you always called our marriage a joke. So let’s use logic here: If A we never had a serious marriage then B we can’t have a serious divorce. No. We can’t. The whole thing’s a farce, Charles – a farce that tastes good with ketchup.." View full monologue.
2. It's Terrible Being Nice - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "Don’t do it! Don’t open that little box one more crack! Don’t ask me to marry you. Shh, shh, shh. Don’t say another word. Just listen ... before I met you I used be such a bitch. Don’t you see? Don’t you see you’ve made me NICE!? And what really scares me is that you’ll open that box and ask me to marry you, and I’ll...I’ll just nicely say “yes,” and then I’ll be nice for life." View full monologue.
Goodbye Charles is available in print and digital editions here.
Monologue from the play Lacey's Last Chance
Serial Dater - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "My father was a wonderful man who waited on me hand and foot when I was a child. Mother used to jokingly call him “the slave.” When I grew up, I expected to find a husband as loving and selfless as my father. Instead I found Frank. I would always give Frank thirty minute back rubs ... One day ... I said “Your turn, and I want a half an hour because I always give you a half an hour, - what’s fair is fair.” And Frank said “I thought you gave me back rubs because you love me not because you expected something in return?” And I explained that I love him, but I also wanted something since I give so much. Then he told me I was just being selfish, and I needed to start trying to be a truly selfless person. And so ... I figured it would just be easier to kill Frank than continue trying to be selfless." Read full monologue.
Lacey's Last Chance is available digitally and in hard copy here.
Monologues from the play Unbearable Hotness
1. Switching Sides - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "Listen, Marisa…I’m -I have to- I know I’ve been a bitch to you since I found out about your -about- I think it’s okay -My minds changed -being gay's okay -in fact your choice is…" View full monologue.
2. Breaking up with Brandon - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "So … anyway … last night was the last straw. He was repeating her name over and over in his sleep, “Marisa, oh, Marisa, oh, Marisa!” I wake him up and I say, “What were you just dreaming about?” He tries to play it all innocent “Uh, nothing. What do you mean?” View full monologue.
3. I Kissed Marisa - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "You’ve got to swear to keep this quiet, Benny. Marisa is gay. But she won’t tell anyone. I’m the only person she’s told. And after she told me, she … tried to kiss me. Well she did kiss me." View full monologue.
4. I'm More Man than You - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "Look, boys I need you to listen, and listen good. A man doesn’t need to have all that anatomical stuff to be a man. Man-ness is about grit and maturity and toughness." View full monologue.
Unbearable Hotness is available in print and digital editions here.
Monologues from the play Dreams in Captivity
1. Deafening Applause - Dramatic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "I remember how everyone got quiet, okay? Quiet...and still. Like they were all connected to me. All a part of me ... they were ... seeing me. I mean, really seeing me. And at the end of the show, when I stepped forward to take my bow the applause was—was— It was deafening." View full monologue.
2. Surrender my Love - Dramatic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "Where are you trying to run to, Pax? ... why can’t you accept things the way they are? It’s not “giving up.” It’s … giving in. Surrendering. Being .. at peace. You say you want to “fly on the stars and never look back.” But Pax … Sometimes falling can feel like flying." View full monologue.
3. Space is Nicer than Here - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "The class is ... called “Cities Among the Stars.” My teacher, Robert, is brilliant. Well, everyone is on a first name basis with him. Robert says cities among the stars are mankind’s best chance at survival ... and I’ve thought about it and I’ve decided… I would like to become an astronaut! Yes ... an astronaut. Robert thinks it’s a good idea." View full monologue.
4. My Father's Blue Eyes - Dramatic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "Well, the night of the pageant came – and she tried to get my dad there. But of course he wouldn’t... And then...I won. I won. I couldn’t believe it. And they gave me this tiara. I remember getting home and being so proud – and there was Dad, sitting on his Lazyboy, watching something on TV ... Well, I just waited, patiently, until the commercial. Then I walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder, ever so lightly, and showed him my tiara ... " View full monologue.
Dreams in Captivity, available in print and digital editions.
Monologue from the play Quiche Isn't Sexy
Quick Isn't Sexy - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "Quiche isn't Sexy. I think people who eat Quiche are pretentious. I’m not saying I don’t appreciate you made it. I just think Quiche is pretentious. Quiche is just an egg trying to be more than breakfast. Its sweet that you had me over, tried to prepare me dinner. But this is a pretense of dinner. Isn’t it? This is basically an omelet disguising itself as a savory pie. It’s the perky beginning to one’s day when it should be the lusty end. When you think eggs … do you think romance? You could have made … a rack of lamb, rare and wonderful … at first we’d take our knives and cut off little pieces. Small bits of juicy meat combined with the perfect combination of spices, rosemary and salt and … small bites would turn to large bites and soon we’d have the lamb bones in our hands and we’d be devouring them. After, we’d devour each other. No, I don’t mean literally … " View the full monologue.
Quiche Isn't Sexy, available in print and digital editions here.
Monologues from the play Yoga Fart
1. Yoga Fart - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "I farted in Yoga class. It was loud. And I didn't die. My heart started pounding but it did not explode. I thought I would be devastated but I was not. Instead something unexpected happened. I laughed. At first a little giggle and then a full blown belly laugh. In fact, I laughed so hard that I farted again...." View the full monologue.
2. The Farting Yogi - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "So I'm in my yoga class. Our instructor tells us to get into Sukhasana. Sit cross legged basically. He tells us we should feel relaxed and at home in the pose. I try but ... it smells funny in the yoga studio today. I heard of this blogger in the city called the Farting Yogi ..." View the full monologue.
3. Flunking Yoga - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "I came to Yoga to unwind. So far it’s not working. So I ate a big breakfast, not a genius move. ‘Cause I’m really gassy. I’ve been clenching my ass for the last hour. And breathing into my lungs, which apparently is incorrect because the instructor keeps saying things like “breathe into your hips”, “breathe into the backs of your thighs”, “breathe into the tips of your toes.” And I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about. I feel like I’m flunking Yoga." View the full monologue.
Yoga Fart, available in print and digital editions here.
Monologues from the play Hello, Goodbye, Peace
1. Coffee Slave - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "Have you ever heard the term "latte factor"? It means being destitute at retirement age because you bought too many lattes. But I think it's not an all inclusive definition. Latte factor should also refer to the factor of humanity that is lost in the ordering of the lattes. Do you know what I mean?" View full monologue.
2. Turkey Day - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "I’ll be out in a minute. No, in a minute. Fine, come in. Close the door. You want to know why I’m “hiding” in here? Because out there your mother’s all “Happy Turkey Day, Sally!” and “We’re so pleased you decided to host this year” and “You’re making such a lovely home for our son” and finally “Oh, doesn’t she look pretty in that dress I bought her, dear?” to which your father replies “Mmm-hmm, sweeter than pumpkin pie.” I wanted to reply ..." View full monologue.
3. Fire the Boys - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "World peace, world peace. Everyone wants world peace. Or everyone pretends to want world peace. But they don’t really want world peace. Because there’s a simple way to get it. Everyone knows it, no one wants to say it. Fire the boys. Fire the boys! There. I said it." Read full monologue.
4. New Year's Wish - Dramatic, Romantic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "Here’s how it goes. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 - Happy New Year! You take my face gently in your hands, pull my lips to yours. Then bringing your arms down around me, your hands come to rest softly but firmly on my shoulder blades. You pull me into you. Close." Read full monologue.
5. Grow Up Humanity - Seriocomic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "So you are “all of humanity”? You are all of humanity? All of humanity? You are not what I expected you’d look like. Well … You look kinda like my 14 year old nephew. I’m told I only have two minutes with you. To talk some sense into you. And I appreciate your time. I'm told the opportunity to address you comes but once in a lifetime … No pressure, haha. It’s just … ok, you may not like this … WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?" Read full monologue.
Hello, Goodbye, Peace available in print and digital editions here.
Performance of "Fire the Boys" from the one-act play Hello, Goodbye, Peace
Monologues from the play The Five Stages of Love and Marriage
Supreme Leader - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "(A wife addresses her husband). Say "I love you and I owe you my life." No, I know you don't really owe me your life. It's just a game, like role playing. It sounds funny, right "I owe you my life." I mean not for someone whose spouse gave them a kidney or something. But in our case. It sounds funny. Say it. "I love you and I owe you my life." (He says it). Wow that just sounds ridiculous coming from you. And awesome. I love it! Now say "you are the supreme leader of this household." It's ok if you don't believe it. I just want to hear the words. Humor me. Say "you are the supreme leader of this household." I know it's silly. It's just a silly game. Say it. Pretty please .. (He says it). Oh my god. Thank you. That felt amazing. I feel so powerful and in control of my destiny. And you didn't even have to believe it to make me feel like a million bucks. Thank you, I love you! Now ... what would you say to having wall sized pictures of me hung around the house?" Read full monologue.
The Five Stages of Love and Marriage is available in print and digital editions here.
Monologues from the play Mused
Don't Blame the Muse - Comedic Monologue, Female
Excerpt: "How did it all start? I guess with a line. “I want to paint you.” A cheesy line. In high school I was a cheerleader and the jocks had the worst lines. I thought art school would be different until this blue eyed boy leans over from his easel and says: “I want to paint you.” Chiseled, totally my type. I feign disinterest. My eyes roll. Another boy approaches, “I want to capture you in clay.” Also cute, but not my type. But I flirt with him to get blue eyes jealous. "I've always thought sculpture is the most challenging medium. Takes real muscle. What do painters do? Just wag their wrists around all day?"
Another boy approaches. French accent, "I think papier mâché is the most challenging medium" he says to me. “Go on,” I volley back. “Papier mâché takes finesse. You must have deft hands, you must work quickly while the plaster is still liquid but not too quickly that you rip the papier, you must coax your papier to make it sing for you, no?" (Beat, to Audience) No. " Read full Mused monologue.
Mused is available in print and digital editions here.
I Ate the Divorce Papers
It's Terrible Being Nice
Hit and Run
Fire the Boys
Grow Up Humanity
New Year's Wish
Quiche isn't Sexy
The Matzah Thief
Death by Peanut
Surrender my Love
Space is Nicer than Here
My Father's Blue Eyes
Breaking Up with Brandon
I Kissed Marisa
I'm More Man than You
Monologues from Plays