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"Road to Ruin; Paved with Kittens" (Male Monologue)

From the play The Five Stages of Love and Marriage by Gabriel Davis

Picture
The road to ruin is paved with kittens.

Althea, that was my last girlfriend … she and I were so happy until that darned kitty entered our lives …  

Yes, Althea and I were so very happy in our little fourth floor walkup on the lower east side. We didn’t have much but we had each other. Music was important to Althea and I, so we saved up for months and bought a baby grand piano. Who needs other furniture when you have music! Our evenings were filled with the sweet sounds of ebony, ivory and love making. We were so happy.

Until one day Althea rescued a little kitty cat from the streets. It was a mangy, skinny little thing. Althea would feed it heavy cream.  Caring for the kitty made Althea happy, and I liked to see her happy.

But a weird feeling started creeping into my soul.  I guess you could call it jealousy.  But what kind of idiot is jealous of a cat?  Haha. 

I tried to push the feelings away. But one night, as Althea lay there caressing the kitty I found myself thinking “When was the last time she rubbed my belly like that?”

That night I couldn’t sleep. I go into the living room and there’s the kitty. Laying atop our beautiful baby grand piano, licking its privates. The kitty looks up, stares at me from across the room. A mocking look on its little kitty face. The look flips a switch inside me. 

I say to the kitty. “You little freeloader. What do you contribute to this household, huh?” I grab the kitty by the scruff of the neck “Tell me, what do you contribute?” At that moment, I see reflected in the window, Althea standing behind me. I release the kitty from my grip. “Jim, what are you doing?” 

“Nothing Althea. I’m just explaining to the kitty the hierarchy of our relationship within this household, but Althea there is something I want to say to you. The way you rub that kitten’s belly. It’s been years since you rubbed my belly that way.”

She looks at me in a way I still can’t understand and she says “Jim, you’re a man in your thirties, not a cat. And I’ve never rubbed your belly like that”

And I say, “Well, maybe I want you to rub my belly like that! Maybe that is what I need, Althea, from our relationship! I want you to prove how much you love me now. Rub my belly. Rub it!”

And that is why we are no longer together. 

I’ve tried to move on from the relationship. But the other day I was walking in the neighborhood and walked past our old apartment. 

I looked up and there was the kitten resting on the windowsill, it’s smug little face looking down at me. I know it’s probably impossible for kittens to have smug expressions, but his little kitty face looked smug to me. 

That kitty is living the life I should have lived with the woman I should have lived it with. And now bear with me, because this is important. All this has led me to firmly believe that the road to ruin is paved … with kittens.

But enough about me.  I guess it’s probably not polite to go on about past relationships like this on a first date.  And you haven’t told me anything about yourself yet. For example, your stance on kittens?


Monologue is featured in the play The Five Stages of Love and Marriage by Gabriel Davis

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