Monologues for Women | "Flunking Yoga" by Gabriel Davis
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Flunking Yoga
Comedic Female Monologue from the play Yoga Fart
by Gabriel Davis
(Monologuist stands in Warrior 1 pose)
I came to Yoga to unwind. So far it’s not working.
(Moves into Warrior 2)
So I ate a big breakfast, not a genius move. ‘Cause I’m really gassy. I’ve been clenching my ass for the last hour. And breathing into my lungs, which apparently is incorrect because the instructor keeps saying things like …
(Reverses her Warrior)
…. “breathe into your hips”, “breathe into the backs of your thighs”, “breathe into the tips of your toes.” And I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about.
(Lowers herself down into Chaturanga)
I feel like I’m flunking Yoga.
(Pushes up into Upward-Facing Dog)
I’m terrified I’m going to let one rip. I can’t allow it. I won’t allow it. My ass may be tired, it may be shaking, but it is not a quitter. It’s a Gladiator.
(Pushes into Downward-Facing Dog)
C’mon Gluteus Maximus, KEEP CLENCHING!!!!!
This monologue is from the play Yoga Fart available digitally and in print here.
Related Monologues:
Yoga Fart
Farting Yogi
I Meditate Wrong
Flunking Yoga
Sleepless in Sukhasana
Welcome to FLY Yoga
Naked Barbies
Ken Doll Theft
Namaste Bitch
I came to Yoga to unwind. So far it’s not working.
(Moves into Warrior 2)
So I ate a big breakfast, not a genius move. ‘Cause I’m really gassy. I’ve been clenching my ass for the last hour. And breathing into my lungs, which apparently is incorrect because the instructor keeps saying things like …
(Reverses her Warrior)
…. “breathe into your hips”, “breathe into the backs of your thighs”, “breathe into the tips of your toes.” And I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about.
(Lowers herself down into Chaturanga)
I feel like I’m flunking Yoga.
(Pushes up into Upward-Facing Dog)
I’m terrified I’m going to let one rip. I can’t allow it. I won’t allow it. My ass may be tired, it may be shaking, but it is not a quitter. It’s a Gladiator.
(Pushes into Downward-Facing Dog)
C’mon Gluteus Maximus, KEEP CLENCHING!!!!!
This monologue is from the play Yoga Fart available digitally and in print here.
Related Monologues:
Yoga Fart
Farting Yogi
I Meditate Wrong
Flunking Yoga
Sleepless in Sukhasana
Welcome to FLY Yoga
Naked Barbies
Ken Doll Theft
Namaste Bitch