Monologues for Men | "Saint Peter the Cheater" by Gabriel Davis
Saint Peter the Cheater
Comedic Male Monologue from the play Yoga Fart
by Gabriel Davis
Guess who I just did?! Your sister! Am I the best stripper ever! Huh? I told you I'd make her bachelorette party amazing!!
What’s wrong, babe? Oh! Don’t worry; I’m not charging extra for that. I know you’re on a budget, babe. I promised you I'd give you my friends and family discount. And Peter keeps his word. See how I just referred to myself in the third person there? Pretty good, right?
Why did I do that? Uh, because it feels good giving back and I think donations are tax deductible and she seemed so sad about getting married. You might say I gave her a pity-pity bang-bang!!
(Laughing at his own joke)
No, no, I agree its not funny. She was just crying so hard and I was like asking myself “what can I do to make her stop crying?” “What can I do?” And suddenly the answer just popped out at me. Which happens with tear-away pants. Because the answer was my dick. Because it physically popped out.
So I say to my dick, “hey dude, you’re up late! Well, as long as you’re up, you might as well do some good in this world.” It felt good, 'ya know. Oh, you're upset because you and I are dating? But I was trying to help. What was I supposed to do? I can't stand to see a woman cry. Don't call me a cheater. My dick improves lives! Fine, I'm a cheater. But I'm a good cheater. I'm like Saint Peter the Cheater!
This monologue is from the play Yoga Fart available digitally and in print.
What’s wrong, babe? Oh! Don’t worry; I’m not charging extra for that. I know you’re on a budget, babe. I promised you I'd give you my friends and family discount. And Peter keeps his word. See how I just referred to myself in the third person there? Pretty good, right?
Why did I do that? Uh, because it feels good giving back and I think donations are tax deductible and she seemed so sad about getting married. You might say I gave her a pity-pity bang-bang!!
(Laughing at his own joke)
No, no, I agree its not funny. She was just crying so hard and I was like asking myself “what can I do to make her stop crying?” “What can I do?” And suddenly the answer just popped out at me. Which happens with tear-away pants. Because the answer was my dick. Because it physically popped out.
So I say to my dick, “hey dude, you’re up late! Well, as long as you’re up, you might as well do some good in this world.” It felt good, 'ya know. Oh, you're upset because you and I are dating? But I was trying to help. What was I supposed to do? I can't stand to see a woman cry. Don't call me a cheater. My dick improves lives! Fine, I'm a cheater. But I'm a good cheater. I'm like Saint Peter the Cheater!
This monologue is from the play Yoga Fart available digitally and in print.