Monologues for Men | "Honey, I'm a Leprechaun" by Gabriel Davis

Honey, I'm a Leprechaun
Comedic male monologue from the play Goodbye Charles
by Gabriel Davis

Why can't you accept I'm a leprechaun?

It's like you're embarrassed. When we're out and I mention to people that I've recently transformed into a leprechaun, you always laugh lightly then veer the conversation to another topic. I don't want them to think I'm crazy either, but I can't lie about who I am. It is who I am.

Look at the facts. There's a salary freeze but I got a raise. The market took a beating, but my stocks are up. Housing values are in the toilet, just not our house.

No people aren't lucky like that. How do you explain that rainbow in our back yard? Rainbows do not linger for a week in low humidity.

I mean I get this isn't what you bargained for when you said "I do" But people change. Not usually into leprechauns but - and granted the priest said "do you take this man..." not "do you take this leprechaun..."

But this can't come as a total surprise. When you went on that special K diet and I went on that lucky charms diet...that should have tipped you off...

Or when I started to develop five o'clock shadows at 10 am. Honey this kind of aggressive beard growth is not natural...for humans. And I get you don't like it, how the stubble chaffes, and that's why I'm shaving every hour practically, for you.

But, cmon, you have to accept this. We have to get it out in the open so we can work through it, together. This isn't easy for me either, I denied it at first too.

You know when I couldn't deny it anymore? That day after my physical, when they found the sudden and medically puzzling height loss. I know the doctor explained it away as unusually drastic spinal compression, but I saw the look on your face, on his. And me, my stomach dropped out.

Remember how you comforted me. Said I didn't really seem much shorter. Still the same strapping man you married. But you towered over me as you said it. I felt so scared. Remember I couldn't sleep...came to bed late...

But then, that night, when I came to bed, you were already out. I gave you a little peck and said goodnight - you said, and you had that tone, half asleep, you said- I love you, little fella.

Little fella. There it was the truth. It hurt. But less so because you were there. Snoring a little. Beside me. And you reached out and took my hand the way you always do. Because some things haven't changed.

I know it's scary. But please, just accept it, even if it makes us a little weirder as a couple, please say it. Say - say honey I accept that you are a leprechaun. And then we can get on with the rest of our lives. What do say?

This monologue is from the play Goodbye Charles, available digitally and in print (click here)