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Female Monologue: Hungry Elsa

Comedic female teen monologue by Gabriel Davis

Frannie is growing out of her childhood Disney princess phase. She's in high school and is nearly ready to let go of her childhood fantasy of meeting Elsa from Frozen. If only she could learn how to be as fabulous as the most popular ice queen on earth, maybe she wouldn't be so unpopular at school. After saying her final nightly prayer in which she wishes that Elsa would materialize in her room the unthinkable happens ... Elsa appears.

ELSA: 
Hi ... I’m .. Elsa. I … don’t know much about you … I just know you called me from the Disneyverse to … here … to learn my secret. How is it that I am able to be this ... fabulous? It’s simple. It’s the same for all Disney Princesses. We’re hungry.

We are on restrictive diets. That’s “the magic of Disney”. You're going to say "No, not all Disney princesses are thin." Yes we are, thin, every one of us. And not just thin. Impossibly thin. With incredibly small hineys.

What about Moanna? You haven’t disproven anything with one Moanna. Is her waist a little more normal, sure. But her hiney: still tiny! Anyway, it’s not about some minor exception. It’s about the overall body of work. And historically that body has been on the impossibly skinny side.

I mean take me, I’m their number one highest grossing Princess of all time … technically a Queen, but still impossibly thin. Recognized and adored the world over by young impressionable minds. I mean, I am everywhere young girls like you are as you grow and as you develop. I’m on your televisions, your iPads, your coloring books, your stickers, your lunchboxes, even your underwear! For most of your conscious life, I’ve been there … and my presence has installed a belief deep down inside of you. You want to be me.

Well let me tell you my real secret. I wish I was you. When was the last time you ate pizza?  Ice cream? Chocolate? I wish I could do that. The good people of Disney! Look at what they’ve done to me! They gave me a love of chocolate, but not a scene to eat it in.

Like … one of my big bonding moments with Anna in the opening act of Frozen is talking about chocolate but not actually eating it. You remember, it’s coronation day. The good people of Disney have kept me starving in an icy room by myself for a decade and the whole time they’ve kept Anna just as hungry on an extreme calorie burn running, biking and jumping around the castle.Ten plus years apart, we are finally together in the palace ballroom and what do we say to eachother? “Oooh what’s that smell? Mmmm, chocolate!” It’s basically our first happy moment since we were kids. But before we can follow our bliss and eat the chocolate, they have me get all pissy with Anna and push her away, and then Anna runs off to sing a love song duet with Hans in which she wierdly reveals that her idea of love is “finishing eachothers sandwiches”. Of course Hanse doesn’t actually give her a sandwich. After that she comes back to the ballroom and talks to me about the “soup, roast, and ice cream” she wants at her wedding, which of course I say no to, and when Anna pushes it, I lose it and freeze everything before we can eat any chocolate. 

I’m just saying, is my problem REALLY the ice powers? I mean, when I finally sing let it go, is that really “letting it go”? I mean, I’m in a barren wasteland of ice and snow with no god damn chocolate anywhere in sight. This is letting it go? The whole thing seems like a big excuse to avoid eating chocolate.

Then they came out with the Frozen Featurettes. Frozen Fever was one, it’s like a big birthday bash for Anna in which neither of us take one bite of a huge ice cream cake. Basically in that one as soon as the ice cream cake is served, we excuse ourselves early because of my “fever” .  And then they did Olaf’s Frozen Adventure in which we plan a big banquet, but when no one comes they have us just leave all the food there untouched and manufacture some drama about not having any holiday tradition. Hey, our tradition was right there in the banquet hall, why can’t we eat it?

Finally, they came out with Frozen 2, and it’s like, yay we’re going to have a harvest feast, but then they have me spend the whole time making the kids ice sculptures and then shortly later I’m too preoccupied chasing spirits and learning how to live my best life, there’s really no space for chocolate or eating of any kind.

Through all of it, they have made sure I maintain my beautiful stick figure. Cmon, disney!

I just think when they inevitably make Frozen 3, in that one I should really let myself go. Ya know. Like discover I can use my powers to make ice cream. And then I can just cover the north mountain with ice cream and bury my face in it in a moment of pure and beautiful gluttony.

(Singing to tune of "Let it go")
Let me eat
Let me eat
I want an ice cream treat
Here’s my mouth
And here’s my cone
Zap! I can make ice cream!
And I can pig out on it alone!
(Done singing)

Yeah. Yeah, I know Disney is unlikely to come out with that version of Frozen 3. I’m probably not destined to be an Icecream queen. My waist size, like the degrees celsius at which I freeze water, will remain zero.

READ THE FULL SCENE "ELSA IS HUNGRY"

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