Find us on
Monologue Genie
  • Home
  • Monologues
    • 2 Minute Monologues >
      • 2 Minute Ate the Divorce Papers Monologue
      • 2 Minute Terrible Being Nice Monologue
      • 2 Minute I Kissed Marisa Monologue
      • 2 Minute Breaking Up with Brandon Monologue
      • 2 Minute Fact Checker Monologue
      • 2 Minute 26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy Monologue
      • 2 Minute Honey I'm a Leprechaun Monologue
      • 2 Minute Quiche isn't Sexy Monologue
      • 2 Minute Puppy Room Monologue
      • 2 Minute Monologue Latte Factor
    • 1 Minute Monologues
    • Female Monologues >
      • Hit and Run Monologue
      • Ate Divorce Papers Monologue
      • Its Terrible Being Nice Monologue
      • Serial Dater Monologue
      • Switching Sides Monologue
      • Conjugal Connections Monologue
      • Turkey Day Monologue
      • Yoga Fart Monologue
      • Fire the Boys Monologue
      • New Year's Wish
      • Namaste Bitch
      • Quiche isn't Sexy
      • The Matzah Thief Monologue
      • Un-Chatty Cathy Monologue
      • Death by Peanut Monologue
      • Deafening Applause Monologue
      • Surrender My Love Monologue
      • Space is Nicer than Here Monologue
      • 12 Years Wise
      • My Father's Blue Eyes Monologue
      • Breaking Up with Brandon Monologue
      • I Kissed Marisa Monologue
      • I'm More Man than You Monologue
      • Almost 16 Monologue
      • Flunking Yoga Monologue
      • I Meditate Wrong Monologue
      • The Farting Yogi
      • Coffee Slave Monologue
      • Miss Havisham
      • The Gratitude List
      • Secret Identity
      • Secret Identity (Extended Version)
      • Always Smiling Monologue
      • There's No Place Like Oz Monologue
      • My Tattoo
      • Art Schooled Monologue
      • Don't Blame the Muse Monologue
      • Cranky Wife Monologue
      • A Good Pudding Monologue
      • Sleepless in Sukhasana
      • Welcome to FLY Yoga
      • Naked Barbies Monologue
      • Ken Doll Theft Monologue
      • Bell Shaped Body Monologue
      • Recess Monologue
      • Supreme Leader
      • Secret Identity (Extended Version)
      • Teen Monologues - Candy Girl
      • Teen Monologues - Pinball Eyes
      • Teen Monologues - Scared Popular
      • Teen Monologues - Not Impressed
    • Male Monologues >
      • The Roadrunner Never Looks Down Monologue
      • Most Frightening Wonderful Thing Monologue
      • Killing Chuck Monologue
      • 26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy Monologue
      • Fact Checker Monologue
      • Honey, I'm a Leprechaun Monologue
      • The Cheese Robber Monologue
      • Best Lazyboy in the Galaxy Monologue
      • Nice Catch Chuck Monologue
      • White Whale of Hotness Monologue
      • Unhandy Man Monologue
      • Maddie's Dad Monologue
      • The Cheerios War Monologue
      • Grow Up Humanity Monologue
      • The Burger Addict
      • Cat Mozart Monologue
      • Road to Ruin; Paved with Kittens
      • Love Sick Monologue
      • Hungry Yuppies Monologue
      • Basketball Therapy Monologue
      • Indestructible Super Puppies Monologue
      • Good Humor Man Monologue
      • My Dad's so Uncool its Cool Monologue
      • We're All Kings Monologue
      • Saint Peter the Cheater
      • Sleeping with Sleep Monologue
      • Wife Alert Monologue
      • Pretty Lies Monologue
      • Santa Monologue
    • Monologues from Plays MALE
    • Monologues from Plays FEMALE
    • Monologues For Teens
    • Monologue Recommendations >
      • Monologues For Men
      • Monologues For Women
      • Comedic Monologues
  • More Stuff
    • Monologue Writing 101
    • Monologue Catalogue
    • Magic Carpet
    • Contact

Monologues for Men | "Legally Santa" by Gabriel Davis

Legally Santa
Comedic Male Monologue 
by Gabriel Davis

(A man who looks a lot like Santa stands in a courtroom and addresses the judge)

Your honor, I see you’ve rejected my application to legally change my name to Santa.

Ever since my hair went white, I get the Santa references. The Santa jokes. 

It’s super great. Opens a ton of doors.

Like on my last job interview. It was a shipping company. I sit down. The hiring manager’s first question: “So how do you think working for the Red Cross has prepared you for this role?” I answer, “that’s not on my resume. Where do you see that?” He says, “Staring back at me. But I think working for charities is great! We need more folks like you, out there ringing those bells to save the children or whatever you did in your last job.” To which I reply “Well in my last job, I was a Dispatcher Supervisor for UPS.” And he says “Well that seems like a waste. We need you out there on the front lines, delighting families by showing up in person with their packages. Every delivery will feel like Christmas.”

And he hired me on the spot. Not for the manager/dispatcher role I’d applied. But hey, a job’s a job.

And he was right. People are delighted when I bring them packages. I get a lot of “Wouldn’t you prefer to drop this down my chimney?” type jokes. One woman actually offered me cookies. She also called me Santa and told me what her little boy wanted for Christmas. She went so far as to hand me a list, so I tell her, “look, lady I guess somehow you’ve made it this far in life without realizing Santa’s not .... “ and as I’m about to say it I look down and see her little boy peering out from behind her leg, so I adjust and spell it “R E A L”. He looked to be not even 3. Who would have guessed he can spell? So the kid starts balling. The mother’s face turns red and she’s all “You monster.” I say “I’m sorry, but you should be proud. Your child is a genius.” She says “Yes, he takes after his father, who left us.” That’s when the little boy wipes his tears and says “But you’re father Christmas, right?” So I say “Right.”

Well one thing led to another with that situation and I married that woman and we kept up the lie, for the sake of her little boy. He thinks his dad is Santa. Plus my new bride likes to make references like “come down my chimney Santa” and “tell me I’m on your naughty list Santa” and so forth. 

So yeah, um your honor, the little tyke is starting to get older. He’s gonna be reading soon! And if he gets a look at my license and it doesn’t say Santa on it. Well we’re gonna break that little boys heart. Aren’t we, your honor?