Monologues for Men | "Legally Santa" by Gabriel Davis
Legally Santa
Comedic Male Monologue
by Gabriel Davis
(A man who looks a lot like Santa stands in a courtroom and addresses the judge)
Your honor, I see you’ve rejected my application to legally change my name to Santa.
Ever since my hair went white, I get the Santa references. The Santa jokes.
It’s super great. Opens a ton of doors.
Like on my last job interview. It was a shipping company. I sit down. The hiring manager’s first question: “So how do you think working for the Red Cross has prepared you for this role?” I answer, “that’s not on my resume. Where do you see that?” He says, “Staring back at me. But I think working for charities is great! We need more folks like you, out there ringing those bells to save the children or whatever you did in your last job.” To which I reply “Well in my last job, I was a Dispatcher Supervisor for UPS.” And he says “Well that seems like a waste. We need you out there on the front lines, delighting families by showing up in person with their packages. Every delivery will feel like Christmas.”
And he hired me on the spot. Not for the manager/dispatcher role I’d applied. But hey, a job’s a job.
And he was right. People are delighted when I bring them packages. I get a lot of “Wouldn’t you prefer to drop this down my chimney?” type jokes. One woman actually offered me cookies. She also called me Santa and told me what her little boy wanted for Christmas. She went so far as to hand me a list, so I tell her, “look, lady I guess somehow you’ve made it this far in life without realizing Santa’s not .... “ and as I’m about to say it I look down and see her little boy peering out from behind her leg, so I adjust and spell it “R E A L”. He looked to be not even 3. Who would have guessed he can spell? So the kid starts balling. The mother’s face turns red and she’s all “You monster.” I say “I’m sorry, but you should be proud. Your child is a genius.” She says “Yes, he takes after his father, who left us.” That’s when the little boy wipes his tears and says “But you’re father Christmas, right?” So I say “Right.”
Well one thing led to another with that situation and I married that woman and we kept up the lie, for the sake of her little boy. He thinks his dad is Santa. Plus my new bride likes to make references like “come down my chimney Santa” and “tell me I’m on your naughty list Santa” and so forth.
So yeah, um your honor, the little tyke is starting to get older. He’s gonna be reading soon! And if he gets a look at my license and it doesn’t say Santa on it. Well we’re gonna break that little boys heart. Aren’t we, your honor?
Your honor, I see you’ve rejected my application to legally change my name to Santa.
Ever since my hair went white, I get the Santa references. The Santa jokes.
It’s super great. Opens a ton of doors.
Like on my last job interview. It was a shipping company. I sit down. The hiring manager’s first question: “So how do you think working for the Red Cross has prepared you for this role?” I answer, “that’s not on my resume. Where do you see that?” He says, “Staring back at me. But I think working for charities is great! We need more folks like you, out there ringing those bells to save the children or whatever you did in your last job.” To which I reply “Well in my last job, I was a Dispatcher Supervisor for UPS.” And he says “Well that seems like a waste. We need you out there on the front lines, delighting families by showing up in person with their packages. Every delivery will feel like Christmas.”
And he hired me on the spot. Not for the manager/dispatcher role I’d applied. But hey, a job’s a job.
And he was right. People are delighted when I bring them packages. I get a lot of “Wouldn’t you prefer to drop this down my chimney?” type jokes. One woman actually offered me cookies. She also called me Santa and told me what her little boy wanted for Christmas. She went so far as to hand me a list, so I tell her, “look, lady I guess somehow you’ve made it this far in life without realizing Santa’s not .... “ and as I’m about to say it I look down and see her little boy peering out from behind her leg, so I adjust and spell it “R E A L”. He looked to be not even 3. Who would have guessed he can spell? So the kid starts balling. The mother’s face turns red and she’s all “You monster.” I say “I’m sorry, but you should be proud. Your child is a genius.” She says “Yes, he takes after his father, who left us.” That’s when the little boy wipes his tears and says “But you’re father Christmas, right?” So I say “Right.”
Well one thing led to another with that situation and I married that woman and we kept up the lie, for the sake of her little boy. He thinks his dad is Santa. Plus my new bride likes to make references like “come down my chimney Santa” and “tell me I’m on your naughty list Santa” and so forth.
So yeah, um your honor, the little tyke is starting to get older. He’s gonna be reading soon! And if he gets a look at my license and it doesn’t say Santa on it. Well we’re gonna break that little boys heart. Aren’t we, your honor?