Monologues for Men | "The Cheerios War" by Gabriel Davis
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The Cheerios War
Monologues for teens or young men, comedic or dramatic
by Gabriel Davis
I put a bowl down, I put Cheerios in that bowl, I pour milk in that bowl. I return the milk to the refrigerator. I return here. Here you are, eating the Cheerios.
Did I call you - "Hey Bob, breakfast is ready!" No, I didn't.
Let me ask you. Who am I to you? I'm your bro. Your frat bro. And bros don't prepare bros cereal. Pledges sometimes make bros cereal. But I'm not a pledge. I'm just your bro.
Yet there you are, eating my Cheerios. Again. What is this, the third day in a row?
I don't even know where you come from. I turn my back for less than a minute. And there you are. Do you hide under the table, lie in wait? Are you in your bedroom, ear to the door, listening for the rustle of oats pouring into plastic?
I don't want to make a big deal about this. Having said that, this is like an act of war. You are declaring war on my personal breakfast space. And it is uncool. Uncool.
I don't think war is a strong word. I've like established my territory, marked it with my milk and Cheerios. And you're encroaching.
Why are you laughing? Stop that. Stop it. You've got milk coming out of your nose. That's disgusting, dude. No, I don't want it now. I just want to know that tomorrow, when I turn my back on my breakfast, I won't turnaround to find you eating it.
Dude what are you doing. Why are you getting up. Hey, hey, back away. Why are you all up in my grill... Say something. Bob. Bob. Are you just going to stand here? Stop breathing like that. You're breathing in my face.
Are you going to hit me next? You look like you're going to hit me. It's not worth it.
Oh, this is mature. Look, I don't want to escalate this. No, I'm not afraid. I just don't want to get into it with you over a bowl of cereal.
No, I can't let you keep eating it. And no, I'm not going to kiss you to make you stop! Wait, what? Kiss you?
Stop screwing around. What do you mean? Kiss you. You are not in love with me. You're messing with me. You are not in love.
If you were in love, this would be a weird way of showing it. So you're obviously messing with me.
Bob, Bob. Why are you crying? You're ... serious. Aren't you? Stop crying.
Honestly, yeah, it's a little unexpected for me. I think it might be a little unexpected for your girlfriend. For Sandy, yeah. No, man. No. I had no idea. What signs? But everyone slaps each other on the ass here. I slapped Tony yesterday, Tony slapped Saul, Saul slapped Pete. There's a whole lot of ass slapping. I don't read into it.
Oh crap. Please, Bob. Stop crying. I accept you. I do. I'm not just saying that.
Yeah, you're my man. I mean not my man ... but, you're my buddy. Oh god.
How should you break it to Sandy? Um ...
This is ... do you maybe have a closer friend you can confide in or ...
No, no. Yeah, we're friends. We're friends. I mean, you've been torturing me since I pledged this past fall but... yeah, I'm here for ya buddy.
I'm here ... for ya ...
There's plenty here for ya. I mean, maybe not me, as your lover but ... This bowl of Cheerios is here at this table for ya. It is. In fact, can I help improve these Cheerios for you, Bob? Maybe cut up some strawberries. Or how about some banana?
Both. Sure, I can do both. You want both? I'll get you both.
Ok, bud. Sure. Hang here. I'm gonna go get you both strawberries and bananas for your cereal. It's going to taste good. Everything is going to be good. Ok, just .. wait here.
Sorry what? Is it ok if you eat my cereal again tomorrow ... um. ..
You know what? You won't have to. I'll make two bowls tomorrow morning. Yeah, of course.
Sure... yeah. We can keep talking. Sure. Every morning. As long as it takes. No worries.
No worries.
"The Cheerios War" monologue was posted 3 November 2013.
Did I call you - "Hey Bob, breakfast is ready!" No, I didn't.
Let me ask you. Who am I to you? I'm your bro. Your frat bro. And bros don't prepare bros cereal. Pledges sometimes make bros cereal. But I'm not a pledge. I'm just your bro.
Yet there you are, eating my Cheerios. Again. What is this, the third day in a row?
I don't even know where you come from. I turn my back for less than a minute. And there you are. Do you hide under the table, lie in wait? Are you in your bedroom, ear to the door, listening for the rustle of oats pouring into plastic?
I don't want to make a big deal about this. Having said that, this is like an act of war. You are declaring war on my personal breakfast space. And it is uncool. Uncool.
I don't think war is a strong word. I've like established my territory, marked it with my milk and Cheerios. And you're encroaching.
Why are you laughing? Stop that. Stop it. You've got milk coming out of your nose. That's disgusting, dude. No, I don't want it now. I just want to know that tomorrow, when I turn my back on my breakfast, I won't turnaround to find you eating it.
Dude what are you doing. Why are you getting up. Hey, hey, back away. Why are you all up in my grill... Say something. Bob. Bob. Are you just going to stand here? Stop breathing like that. You're breathing in my face.
Are you going to hit me next? You look like you're going to hit me. It's not worth it.
Oh, this is mature. Look, I don't want to escalate this. No, I'm not afraid. I just don't want to get into it with you over a bowl of cereal.
No, I can't let you keep eating it. And no, I'm not going to kiss you to make you stop! Wait, what? Kiss you?
Stop screwing around. What do you mean? Kiss you. You are not in love with me. You're messing with me. You are not in love.
If you were in love, this would be a weird way of showing it. So you're obviously messing with me.
Bob, Bob. Why are you crying? You're ... serious. Aren't you? Stop crying.
Honestly, yeah, it's a little unexpected for me. I think it might be a little unexpected for your girlfriend. For Sandy, yeah. No, man. No. I had no idea. What signs? But everyone slaps each other on the ass here. I slapped Tony yesterday, Tony slapped Saul, Saul slapped Pete. There's a whole lot of ass slapping. I don't read into it.
Oh crap. Please, Bob. Stop crying. I accept you. I do. I'm not just saying that.
Yeah, you're my man. I mean not my man ... but, you're my buddy. Oh god.
How should you break it to Sandy? Um ...
This is ... do you maybe have a closer friend you can confide in or ...
No, no. Yeah, we're friends. We're friends. I mean, you've been torturing me since I pledged this past fall but... yeah, I'm here for ya buddy.
I'm here ... for ya ...
There's plenty here for ya. I mean, maybe not me, as your lover but ... This bowl of Cheerios is here at this table for ya. It is. In fact, can I help improve these Cheerios for you, Bob? Maybe cut up some strawberries. Or how about some banana?
Both. Sure, I can do both. You want both? I'll get you both.
Ok, bud. Sure. Hang here. I'm gonna go get you both strawberries and bananas for your cereal. It's going to taste good. Everything is going to be good. Ok, just .. wait here.
Sorry what? Is it ok if you eat my cereal again tomorrow ... um. ..
You know what? You won't have to. I'll make two bowls tomorrow morning. Yeah, of course.
Sure... yeah. We can keep talking. Sure. Every morning. As long as it takes. No worries.
No worries.
"The Cheerios War" monologue was posted 3 November 2013.