Find us on
Monologue Genie
  • Home
  • Monologues
    • 2 Minute Monologues >
      • 2 Minute Ate the Divorce Papers Monologue
      • 2 Minute Terrible Being Nice Monologue
      • 2 Minute I Kissed Marisa Monologue
      • 2 Minute Breaking Up with Brandon Monologue
      • 2 Minute Fact Checker Monologue
      • 2 Minute 26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy Monologue
      • 2 Minute Honey I'm a Leprechaun Monologue
      • 2 Minute Quiche isn't Sexy Monologue
      • 2 Minute Puppy Room Monologue
      • 2 Minute Monologue Latte Factor
    • 1 Minute Monologues
    • Female Monologues >
      • Hit and Run Monologue
      • Ate Divorce Papers Monologue
      • Its Terrible Being Nice Monologue
      • Serial Dater Monologue
      • Switching Sides Monologue
      • Conjugal Connections Monologue
      • Turkey Day Monologue
      • Yoga Fart Monologue
      • Fire the Boys Monologue
      • New Year's Wish
      • Namaste Bitch
      • Quiche isn't Sexy
      • The Matzah Thief Monologue
      • Un-Chatty Cathy Monologue
      • Death by Peanut Monologue
      • Deafening Applause Monologue
      • Surrender My Love Monologue
      • Space is Nicer than Here Monologue
      • 12 Years Wise
      • My Father's Blue Eyes Monologue
      • Breaking Up with Brandon Monologue
      • I Kissed Marisa Monologue
      • I'm More Man than You Monologue
      • Almost 16 Monologue
      • Flunking Yoga Monologue
      • I Meditate Wrong Monologue
      • The Farting Yogi
      • Coffee Slave Monologue
      • Miss Havisham
      • The Gratitude List
      • Secret Identity
      • Secret Identity (Extended Version)
      • Always Smiling Monologue
      • There's No Place Like Oz Monologue
      • My Tattoo
      • Art Schooled Monologue
      • Don't Blame the Muse Monologue
      • Cranky Wife Monologue
      • A Good Pudding Monologue
      • Sleepless in Sukhasana
      • Welcome to FLY Yoga
      • Naked Barbies Monologue
      • Ken Doll Theft Monologue
      • Bell Shaped Body Monologue
      • Recess Monologue
      • Supreme Leader
      • Secret Identity (Extended Version)
      • Teen Monologues - Candy Girl
      • Teen Monologues - Pinball Eyes
      • Teen Monologues - Scared Popular
      • Teen Monologues - Not Impressed
    • Male Monologues >
      • The Roadrunner Never Looks Down Monologue
      • Most Frightening Wonderful Thing Monologue
      • Killing Chuck Monologue
      • 26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy Monologue
      • Fact Checker Monologue
      • Honey, I'm a Leprechaun Monologue
      • The Cheese Robber Monologue
      • Best Lazyboy in the Galaxy Monologue
      • Nice Catch Chuck Monologue
      • White Whale of Hotness Monologue
      • Unhandy Man Monologue
      • Maddie's Dad Monologue
      • The Cheerios War Monologue
      • Grow Up Humanity Monologue
      • The Burger Addict
      • Cat Mozart Monologue
      • Road to Ruin; Paved with Kittens
      • Love Sick Monologue
      • Hungry Yuppies Monologue
      • Basketball Therapy Monologue
      • Indestructible Super Puppies Monologue
      • Good Humor Man Monologue
      • My Dad's so Uncool its Cool Monologue
      • We're All Kings Monologue
      • Saint Peter the Cheater
      • Sleeping with Sleep Monologue
      • Wife Alert Monologue
      • Pretty Lies Monologue
      • Santa Monologue
    • Monologues from Plays MALE
    • Monologues from Plays FEMALE
    • Monologues For Teens
    • Monologue Recommendations >
      • Monologues For Men
      • Monologues For Women
      • Comedic Monologues
  • More Stuff
    • Monologue Writing 101
    • Monologue Catalogue
    • Magic Carpet
    • Contact

Monologues for Men | "The Cheerios War" by Gabriel Davis

The Cheerios War
Monologues for teens or young men, comedic or dramatic 
by Gabriel Davis

Picture
I put a bowl down, I put Cheerios in that bowl, I pour milk in that bowl.   I return the milk to the refrigerator.  I return here.  Here you are, eating the Cheerios.

Did I call you - "Hey Bob, breakfast is ready!"   No, I didn't.

Let me ask you.  Who am I to you?  I'm your bro.  Your frat bro.  And bros don't prepare bros cereal.  Pledges sometimes make bros cereal. But I'm not a pledge.  I'm just your bro.

Yet there you are, eating my Cheerios.  Again.  What is this, the third day in a row?

I don't even know where you come from.  I turn my back for less than a minute.  And there you are.  Do you hide under the table, lie in wait? Are you in your bedroom, ear to the door, listening for the rustle of oats pouring into plastic?

I don't want to make a big deal about this.   Having said that, this is like an act of war.  You are declaring war on my personal breakfast space.  And it is uncool.  Uncool.

I don't think war is a strong word.  I've like established my territory, marked it with my milk and Cheerios.  And you're encroaching.

Why are you laughing?  Stop that.  Stop it.  You've got milk coming out of your nose.  That's disgusting, dude.  No, I don't want it now.  I just want to know that tomorrow, when I turn my back on my breakfast, I won't turnaround to find you eating it.

Dude what are you doing.  Why are you getting up.  Hey, hey, back away.  Why are you all up in my grill...  Say something.  Bob.  Bob. Are you just going to stand here?  Stop breathing like that.  You're breathing in my face.

Are you going to hit me next?  You look like you're going to hit me.  It's not worth it.

Oh, this is mature.  Look, I don't want to escalate this.  No, I'm not afraid.  I just don't want to get into it with you over a bowl of cereal.

No, I can't let you keep eating it.  And no, I'm not going to kiss you to make you stop!   Wait, what?  Kiss you?

Stop screwing around.  What do you mean?  Kiss you.  You are not in love with me.  You're messing with me.  You are not in love.

If you were in love, this would be a weird way of showing it.  So you're obviously messing with me.  

Bob, Bob.  Why are you crying?  You're ... serious.  Aren't you?  Stop crying.

Honestly, yeah, it's a little unexpected for me.  I think it might be a little unexpected for your girlfriend.  For Sandy, yeah.  No, man.  No.  I had no idea.  What signs?  But everyone slaps each other on the ass here. I slapped Tony yesterday, Tony slapped Saul, Saul slapped Pete.  There's a whole lot of ass slapping.  I don't read into it.  

Oh crap.  Please, Bob.  Stop crying.  I accept you.  I do.  I'm not just saying that.  

Yeah, you're my man.  I mean not my man ... but, you're my buddy.  Oh god.

How should you break it to Sandy?  Um ... 

This is ... do you maybe have a closer friend you can confide in or ... 

No, no.  Yeah, we're friends. We're friends.  I mean, you've been torturing me since I pledged this past fall but... yeah, I'm here for ya buddy.

I'm here ... for ya ...

There's plenty here for ya.  I mean, maybe not me, as your lover but ...  This bowl of Cheerios is here at this table for ya.  It is.  In fact, can I help improve these Cheerios for you, Bob?  Maybe cut up some strawberries. Or how about some banana?  

Both.  Sure, I can do both.  You want both?  I'll get you both. 

Ok, bud.  Sure.  Hang here.  I'm gonna go get you both strawberries and bananas for your cereal.  It's going to taste good.  Everything is going to be good.  Ok, just .. wait here.

Sorry what?  Is it ok if you eat my cereal again tomorrow ... um. ..

You know what?  You won't have to.  I'll make two bowls tomorrow morning.  Yeah, of course.

Sure... yeah.  We can keep talking.  Sure.  Every morning.  As long as it takes.  No worries.

No worries.



"The Cheerios War" monologue was posted 3 November 2013.