"Unhandy Man" (Male Monologue)
From the play The Five Stages of Love and Marriage by Gabriel Davis
Yes, I see the water leaking from the pipe below our kitchen sink. Do you see the gum near where the water is coming out! I don’t know why it didn’t work. I come from a long line of apartment dwellers. When things like this happen we usually call the super.
I know there is no super here, in our house. But why is that? I mean, why are house dwellers, sorry home owners, denied the luxury of a super? Oh, we can’t afford our own super? Well I can’t afford to keep buying all this gum to plug up all these leaks. No, I know there’s just one leak, right now. But I’m talking about our entire future together here, there are bound to be a large number of leaks.
What will be cheaper in the long run? Our own super or trying to acquire an entire bubble gum factory to supply our leak plugging needs for life? Think about that. Oh, you want me to use a tool … like what? A hammer? Because I’ve tried those. They do NOT work as advertised.
I tried fixing a sink once, in college, for my frat. It was a little leak like this one. I banged on the pipe with my hammer, you know, to try to force the leak back in. Guess what, SURPRISE, it leaked MORE. So, ya know, I banged harder on the leak to try to really show it who was boss. "We have a gusher boys!" I said. Then we rolled around in all the water for a while. Some guy went out and bought a slip and slide and … there we were sliding down the hall of our frat house and ...
Yes, we were probably drinking at the time. I acknowledge that banging on a pipe with a hammer may not be what a super would have done. But I also know, growing up, our Super did use a hammer to fix things along with some other widgets.
Yes, widgets. Other types of tools. Yes, I know the actual names for some other tools … like um …. um … ah …
Look, every man is not a handy man. Yesterday, when the priest said do you take this man he did NOT say do you take this handy man.
Man does not equal handy.
So what I propose is an alternate to the live-in super or bubble gum factory solutions. How about we just call a, um, regular handy man. Someone we pay to fix this one leak.
Yes, a plumber. Perfect. Let’s call a plumber. Let's call a plumber so we can go on our honeymoon. YES! THANK YOU! I love you, honey.
"Unhandy Man" monologue is featured in the play The Five Stages of Love and Marriage by Gabriel Davis
I know there is no super here, in our house. But why is that? I mean, why are house dwellers, sorry home owners, denied the luxury of a super? Oh, we can’t afford our own super? Well I can’t afford to keep buying all this gum to plug up all these leaks. No, I know there’s just one leak, right now. But I’m talking about our entire future together here, there are bound to be a large number of leaks.
What will be cheaper in the long run? Our own super or trying to acquire an entire bubble gum factory to supply our leak plugging needs for life? Think about that. Oh, you want me to use a tool … like what? A hammer? Because I’ve tried those. They do NOT work as advertised.
I tried fixing a sink once, in college, for my frat. It was a little leak like this one. I banged on the pipe with my hammer, you know, to try to force the leak back in. Guess what, SURPRISE, it leaked MORE. So, ya know, I banged harder on the leak to try to really show it who was boss. "We have a gusher boys!" I said. Then we rolled around in all the water for a while. Some guy went out and bought a slip and slide and … there we were sliding down the hall of our frat house and ...
Yes, we were probably drinking at the time. I acknowledge that banging on a pipe with a hammer may not be what a super would have done. But I also know, growing up, our Super did use a hammer to fix things along with some other widgets.
Yes, widgets. Other types of tools. Yes, I know the actual names for some other tools … like um …. um … ah …
Look, every man is not a handy man. Yesterday, when the priest said do you take this man he did NOT say do you take this handy man.
Man does not equal handy.
So what I propose is an alternate to the live-in super or bubble gum factory solutions. How about we just call a, um, regular handy man. Someone we pay to fix this one leak.
Yes, a plumber. Perfect. Let’s call a plumber. Let's call a plumber so we can go on our honeymoon. YES! THANK YOU! I love you, honey.
"Unhandy Man" monologue is featured in the play The Five Stages of Love and Marriage by Gabriel Davis
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Check out R Lee Decker's voice acting demo of the Unhandy Man monologue!
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