Monologues for men | "Best Lazyboy in the Galaxy" by Gabriel Davis
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Best Lazyboy in the Galaxy
A dramatic male monologue from the play Dreams in Captivity
by Gabriel Davis
(Barry speaks to his wife Reina, who has been taking a class at community college about mankind someday creating cities in space. She's upset with him, because he hasn't been supportive of her dream to work for Nasa. Reina has applied to Nasa for employment. A letter has just arrived back from NASA)
You don’t think I understand what you’re trying to do with this?
(on “this” he shakes the envelope in his hand)
This big noble thing you want to do for humanity--
(pulls envelope back as Reina grabs for it)
You think it’s way above a Techno-Hut salesman’s head? Right? Look, I get it because I’m a Techno-Hut salesman! I see all this technology all day long; and I think if we can create something as amazing as a fifty-inch flat screen plasma television, just imagine what we could do if we really pooled our resources and got focused.
I mean, why are we wasting our time fighting amongst ourselves? That’s Robert’s whole point. Right? RIGHT? You know why human beings are constantly fighting instead of working together to survive? I’ll tell you why!
It’s the same motivation that made man invent the fifty-inch plasma TV. Man is essentially motivated, primarily motivated to sit on his ass. You wanted me to talk about this stuff. I’m talking about it! Men kill for their right to sit on their ass. I’m telling you, wars happen because every man wants the best Lazy Boy Recliner in the galaxy to relax on. AND WE HAVE IT AT TECHNO-HUT.
See we have this automated Lazy Boy. This super deluxe Lazy Boy is outfitted with massagers, heating pads, a cooling unit for drinks – it’s the closest experience of comfort a man can get on earth short of climbing back through his mother’s vagina back up into her womb!
What am I saying? I’m saying we as a race of beings are still in our infancy. Clinging to our collective womb. And while we try to stay in our infancy, so we create and... perpetuate a global infancy filled with global temper tantrums. AND THAT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS!
We can grow up? Not gonna happen. It’s not that I don’t you want it to … it’s just … It’s just a dream. It’s a dream to think we’ll get our collective ass in gear and get motivated by something besides finding more ways to sit on our ass better. I mean, technologically speaking, we’re on the cusp of it. We could become truly independent. Yes!? But first we’d have to decide. Do we want world peace and a chance at long-term perpetuation of humankind, or do we want the Lazy Boy Recliner?
I work at the Techno-Hut. Every year, I meet thousands of representative members of human kind. And I know what they want. I give them what they want. You think that I’m cheating them out of their chance at a better life, and a better world? Right?!
But I … I only offer them the choice, Reina.
(Barry hands Reina the envelope).
This monologue is from the play Dreams in Captivity, available in print and digital editions.
Get Stage Agent's guide to the play here.
You don’t think I understand what you’re trying to do with this?
(on “this” he shakes the envelope in his hand)
This big noble thing you want to do for humanity--
(pulls envelope back as Reina grabs for it)
You think it’s way above a Techno-Hut salesman’s head? Right? Look, I get it because I’m a Techno-Hut salesman! I see all this technology all day long; and I think if we can create something as amazing as a fifty-inch flat screen plasma television, just imagine what we could do if we really pooled our resources and got focused.
I mean, why are we wasting our time fighting amongst ourselves? That’s Robert’s whole point. Right? RIGHT? You know why human beings are constantly fighting instead of working together to survive? I’ll tell you why!
It’s the same motivation that made man invent the fifty-inch plasma TV. Man is essentially motivated, primarily motivated to sit on his ass. You wanted me to talk about this stuff. I’m talking about it! Men kill for their right to sit on their ass. I’m telling you, wars happen because every man wants the best Lazy Boy Recliner in the galaxy to relax on. AND WE HAVE IT AT TECHNO-HUT.
See we have this automated Lazy Boy. This super deluxe Lazy Boy is outfitted with massagers, heating pads, a cooling unit for drinks – it’s the closest experience of comfort a man can get on earth short of climbing back through his mother’s vagina back up into her womb!
What am I saying? I’m saying we as a race of beings are still in our infancy. Clinging to our collective womb. And while we try to stay in our infancy, so we create and... perpetuate a global infancy filled with global temper tantrums. AND THAT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS!
We can grow up? Not gonna happen. It’s not that I don’t you want it to … it’s just … It’s just a dream. It’s a dream to think we’ll get our collective ass in gear and get motivated by something besides finding more ways to sit on our ass better. I mean, technologically speaking, we’re on the cusp of it. We could become truly independent. Yes!? But first we’d have to decide. Do we want world peace and a chance at long-term perpetuation of humankind, or do we want the Lazy Boy Recliner?
I work at the Techno-Hut. Every year, I meet thousands of representative members of human kind. And I know what they want. I give them what they want. You think that I’m cheating them out of their chance at a better life, and a better world? Right?!
But I … I only offer them the choice, Reina.
(Barry hands Reina the envelope).
This monologue is from the play Dreams in Captivity, available in print and digital editions.
Get Stage Agent's guide to the play here.