Monologues for Men | "White Whale of Hotness" by Gabriel Davis

White Whale of Hotness
A comedic male monologue from the play Unbearable Hotness
by Gabriel Davis

I mean, when I think about her, dude, it’s like DAMN.  Hot.  Hot.  Frickin’ ahhhhhhhhhhhh.   It’s like burning my balls off how hot she is.  Damn!   I just want her.  I have to have her. 

What? Marisa is …  she here?  In my house?  Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!  I can’t believe it worked.  It actually worked!

You throw out a net.  “House Party” – “Free Beer” – “Free Vodka” – “Free Grub.” Figure you’ll catch lots of guppies, a few snapper, some sea bass, if you’re lucky a blue marlin but not – you don’t expect to catch a WHITE WHALE!   We have got a White Whale on our hands, boys!

Yes, correct, Chuck. Marisa is like a white whale.  I’m using fish for like, levels of hotness.  Right?   The guppies are like the plain Janes, the snapper are the cute, perky chicks, the sea bass got some curves, the blue marlin are pretty smokin’ and Marisa is, she’s –

Like the White Whale of hotness!   Like in Moby Dick, Chuck.  Just call me Ishmael!  Oh … really? Ahab was the guy chasing after the White Whale?  Just call me Ahab!


This monologue is from the play Unbearable Hotness, available in print and digital editions.

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MONOLOGUES


Men's
Frightening Wonderful Thing
Killing Chuck
Nice Catch Chuck
The Fact Checker
Honey I'm a Leprechaun
26 Year Old Bar Mitzvah Boy
The Cheese Robber
Unhandy Man
Maddie's Dad
The Cheerios War
Grow Up Humanity
The Burger Addict
Cat Mozart
Road to Ruin; Paved with Kittens
Love Sick
Hungry Yuppies
Licensed to Fart ​

Women's
I Ate the Divorce Papers
It's Terrible Being Nice
Serial Dater
Switching Sides
Conjugal Connections
Turkey Day
Yoga Fart
Hit and Run