Monologues for Women | "Conjugal Connections" by Gabriel Davis

Conjugal Connections Monologue
Comedic female monologue
By Gabriel Davis

Picture

(A woman stands at her doorway, facing her x-husband, Charles)
One moment, Charles.

(Yelling at her next door neighbor, Jerry, who is a few hundred feet away, at the edge of her property line)
KEEP THE LAWNMOWER ON YOUR SIDE OF THE LAWN!

(to Charles)
So, if I understand this correctly...you’re saying you want me back....hold on.

(to Jerry in distance)
No, you’re not, Jerry.  The gnomes mark my property line, and you have clearly crossed the gnomes!   

(to Charles)
I’ve dreamt of this moment.  You at my door, begging to have me back.  

(to Jerry in distance)
Yes.  They’re new.  I put them there to keep you on your side!

(to Charles)
Ever since you left, he insists on mowing across the property line.  

(to Jerry)
NO, THANK YOU JERRY – REALLY - I’M FINE!  THANK YOU!

(to Charles)
He keeps doing that.  Offering to mow it for me.  Like I’m helpless without you.  But when I dream of this moment, you’re the helpless one. You stand there, hoping to hear me say I still love you.  Instead I tear out your heart.  I tell you I love Jerry.  Then I allow you to ravage me, right here on the welcome mat for old times sake.

Not that I would want that.  

Because after you left, it took me a long time, Charles....I tried to move on, as you clearly had....went on all those dating websites.  Found some suitable suitors, and quickly, too, mind you.  They all terrified me.  All I could see was you.  Every guy was you Charles.   Then one day, I surfed right past yoohoo personals to this other site....a site for women seeking love from men behind bars...ConjugalConnections.com.   Conjugal Connections, where you can “Love a man who’ll never get away.”  Conjugal Connections.  Maximum love, maximum security!  Conjugal Connections!  Make a love connection before the lethal injection!    I thought – now this is a dating site I can connect to.

I mean although these men were clearly dangerous, perhaps even psychotic felons....they scared me far less than free men.  Free men like you who had the luxury to play fast and loose with my heart....  There I was, emailing these guys on ConjugalConnections.com and for the first time since you left, I felt safe. 

I got very close to this one guy on there, Charles.  Writing back and forth.  He claimed he was innocent.  Framed for murder one.  I mean, I guess that’s probably what they all say, but I felt his pain.  I mean, that’s how I felt, too.  Unjustly accused...by you....for these so called crimes of the heart I wasn’t sure I’d actually committed....for things I was fairly certain you’d completely fabricated to ease your own conscience at walking away....

I got to the point, Charles, where I was ready to meet him in person.  We talked about devoting the rest of his life to me.  Walk him down the aisle, then give him one final reward, before one very final penalty.  

I stood at the security gates, Charles.  Ready to go in.  To give myself to this man.   And it was at that moment I realized how deeply you’d scarred me, Charles.

Take you back (laughs).

There is only one way, actually.  Kill Jerry.   

If he’s dead, you’re in for life.  An iron clad guarantee that you will never, ever, ever rip my heart out again.

But you can’t give me that, can you?  Not really.   

Because you may be a murderer of hearts.  But not people.

And that’s why I can never trust or forgive you.

Goodbye, Charles.