1-Sentence Summary: After realizing that she and her date (a mathematician) are not a good match, Sara explains to her date that while she's not interested in him as a person she was planning to get laid so can they cut the boring and tedious small talk and skip to the pleasurable part of the evening?

Appreciated: Depiction of a strong outspoken woman who knows what she wants and owns her sexuality unabashedly.

Age Range 20's
​Character's gender is female.
Monologue genre is comedic.
Find this monologue in the collection of short plays "Plays for Three" in the play "Sex with a Mathematician" by Pete Barry.
Monologue starts with the line "Listen, Shirty" and ends with "Let's skip the torture and jump right to the pleasure. (Sizes him up) In whatever quantities we can get it."

​Monologue Writing 101 Elements (0 = Not Used. 1 = Used. 2 = Strong Usage)
​1. Strong Want - 1. To get laid.
2. High Stakes - 0.5
3. Tactical Variety - 2. To break the stigma of casual sex "we're just mammals." To get him to own up to how bad the internet dating service screwed up. To set herself apart from how most women she (and likely he) knows and why she love vets by different rules. All tactics serve to sell him on the idea.
4. Hook Opener - 2. Two words grab attention, show spunk, and establish her character's persona fast. Unique word choice "Shirty."
5. Button Finish - 2. Gives the actress an active reaction to play as she sizes he guy up. Comic gold potentially here. Try different deliveries with colleagues! Humor comes from the honest emotional moment. So what genuine reaction to the guy might someone be having that would make you giggle if you witnessed it?
6. Sensory - 0
7. Internal Obstacles - 0
8. Past/Present Balance - 0. All present action here. That's a good thing! (IF a monologue is a rememberence then it must be connected to and furthering the active present moment in some way).
9. Discovery - 1. If Sara doesn't know she's going to be so blunt (until the moment she is) it will have more power than if she had planned to say it or this is a shtick she uses frequently.
10. Restraint - 1. Understanding the moment before a monologue is key here. If Sara was biting her tongue and suffering inside the whole date until this moment, then she's been restraining her frustration until this moment when she releases it. This monologue is in part fantasy fulfillment. The thing we wish we were brave enough to come out and say. Sara likely feeling no liberated as she blows past the normal human fear of hurting the person she's with to being brutally honest.
TOTAL "ELEMENT USAGE WEIGHT": 9.5

Loved this one!

Tags: Comedic female monologues, Comedic monologues for women, Womens monologues, Audition monologues for women, Contemporary monologues, Modern monologues, Monologues from published plays, comedy monologues, comedic monologues, funny monologues, humorous monologues, 1 minute monologues, hilarious monologues, monologues for young women, strong outspoken female characters, sassy monologues, monologues about dating.

(Bond addresses a new recruit who he's mentoring at the secret service)

Everyone thinks I, James Bond, 007, have it easy.

Because I make it look easy. Because I never let them see me sweat. That doesn't mean I'm not sweating inside.

You say oh sure but James Bond can do anything he wants. He's even licensed to kill. Well you know there's a lot of things I'm not licensed to do. Like normal things like you take for granted. Like for example, farting. I'm not even licensed to fart. In fact it is forbidden. If I break wind, I break character.
You think Dr. No would have taken me seriously if I let one rip? No!

You know little known fact Ms. Money Penny likes to make me a dinner before every mission. Corned beef and cabbage.

That cabbage makes me gassy. But I endure! I endure so that you have a credible hero to look up to. And I've got to say, it's unbearable.

Think about it. I've been in over 24 movies, that's nearly 48 hours, two straight days of screen time. Have you ever heard me blare my butt horn once in that time? Of course not. Because I respect my queen and my duty to country.

But when was the last time you held one in for 48 hours let alone ... ? I've been holding it since I joined the secret service 14 years ago. I took an oath.

And I am not about to break it now just because Q has fashioned some sort of a fart silencer butt plug thing. What's that? Seriously, all our new recruits are wearing them now? In solidarity? For me?

Well I'm honored, I am. But I'm also James Bond. I don't take the easy path.

So as much as I appreciate the gesture. Frankly, you can take that fart silencer and shove it up your ass. But I'm not going to.

Monologue for a woman. Comedic. 1 to 2 minutes performed. Character is Paige.

Hook opening line "The invisible guest. No dinner party is complete without one." Paige goes onto explain how she feels Jesus would be a "thrilling dinner guest."

To perform in audition cut the interjections by Lars, Hal, Sian. End on the line "We'd all get indigestion."

Contemporary comedic monologue for a young man in his twenties. Character is Mark, a young comedien.

There's a very funny bit of dialogue in which Mark tries to convince his roommate Ira to go after the girl he likes, Daisy. Mark gives Ira an ultimatum of 10 days to go after Daisy after which he'll have no choice but to sleep with her himself.

It starts on page 10 of the screenplay with the line "Now listen I'd love to stay here and chat with you but we have company" and ends on page 11 with "I'll see you out there." There's enough there that in the context of a solo audition actors could play quick reaction beats where Ira would be interjecting in the actual scene.

Great monologue for a man. You are playing Picasso! This monologue is in a comedic play but really is a dramatic moment. You get to demonstrate an artist's passion and excitement for his work. There's a feeling of yearning and awe and power. Picasso talks about wanting to be ready for when his great moments of inspiration strike. When he will create the works of art that will influence and shape the 20th century. The moment when his dream of making great art and the action of making great art converge.

​Hook opener to this monologue:
"I could dream it forever and still not do it, but when the time comes for it to be done, God, I want to be ready for it"

Monologue for a woman, character Jenni, described as "Smart, hip, young aspiring professional working in the not-for-profit earnest helping professions."  So let's say 20's to early 30's.  Genre is comedy.

This monologue, which opens the play, Jenni sets the stage for how "one day a little billing problem with Ferizon rips your life to shreds and everything you thought you knew about yourself and your world."

Several comic beats includes Jenni losing her train of thought within the first few lines of the monologue, slipping into reverie about the good old days when phone service was as simple as slipping a dime into a pay phone, wondering how something that "comes with a PLAN" can go so horribly wrong and "I thought it was a plan to make my life easier and better - but I was wrong.  Oh my god, I was so wrong."

There's nice variety of tone and rhythm in this piece as well, with Jenni having a mock phone call at one point, catching up with a friend, Jenni waxing philosophical about the big picture of how the world has evolved, and Jenni expressing the emotion of having been through an ordeal.

The monologue does a great job of peaking an audience's interest in the story that is about to unfold.  And it just might peak your auditors' curiosity in you!    Preview the monologue on Lisa Kron's website.  Get this monologue as part of the Humana Festival 2012: The Complete Plays. You'll find it on page 283.

This seriocomic monologue for men is under a minute. You're playing the father of a toddler, a daughter. You're divorced. You only get her two weeks a year. And your upstairs neighbor, who is trying to study for the bar exam is bothered by "the sound of little footsteps." She has come to your door to discuss, This monologue is what you might say to her.

Realistic monologue that will let you play a father who clearly loves his daughter and who is frustrated at his situation in life and his upstairs neighbor.

Find this monologue on page 205 of Actor's Theatre of Louisville Humana Festival 2012 The Complete Plays. Starts with the line "Ok, yes, I got your note."

Monologues for kids.  This is a monologue for a young boy and the character's name is Jack.   Genre is drama.  Falls into the contemporary monologues from movies and film category.

This is from the movie "Room" based on the novel of the same name by Emma Donoghue.  You can find it at 1:47 (one hour forty seven minutes) into the movie.   When I saw it, I was floored.   So poetic, beautiful and simply written which made it all the more powerful.  Imagine being a child who grew up in a room the size of a garden shed, who never saw the outside world.  Based on events in the news where women and their children were held captive for years but a fictionalized account.  The screenplay was nominated for an Academy Award for best writing, adapted screenplay and for a Golden Globe best screenplay - motion picture category.  It's star Brie Larson won best actress at the Oscars and Golden Globes. The movie is straight up moving; if you don't get teary eyed watching it you're clearly an android sent fro the future to destroy us, hehe.  The monologue I'm recommending from this film is an amazing snippet that could be a very moving performance for a young actor auditioning for a drama.  Vulnerable, sweet, innocent, yet wise.  The child actor should be able to play approximately five years old, though I think you could have an older child perform it and it would still be very moving and effective up to about 10 years old.  You watch it and see, the film is available streaming on the various video services or you can get it here.

Start the monologue at 1:47 in the movie (right toward the end of the film) with the line "When I was 4, I didn't even know about the world ... and now me and ma are going to live in it forever and ever until we're dead."  and you can end it just under one minute long with the line "Because it's still just you and me."  Alternately, you can extend it a little longer and end with "Bye Bye Skylight ... Ma, say bye bye to room" at 1:52.