Excellent female audition piece: Nina Mansfield’s monologue “Bite Me” from the play of the same name. Look for monologue starting with the line “So there he is stunned from the spray..”
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1-Sentence Summary: After realizing that she and her date (a mathematician) are not a good match, Sara explains to her date that while she's not interested in him as a person she was planning to get laid so can they cut the boring and tedious small talk and skip to the pleasurable part of the evening?
Appreciated: Depiction of a strong outspoken woman who knows what she wants and owns her sexuality unabashedly. Age Range 20's Character's gender is female. Monologue genre is comedic. Find this monologue in the collection of short plays "Plays for Three" in the play "Sex with a Mathematician" by Pete Barry. Monologue starts with the line "Listen, Shirty" and ends with "Let's skip the torture and jump right to the pleasure. (Sizes him up) In whatever quantities we can get it." Monologue Writing 101 Elements (0 = Not Used. 1 = Used. 2 = Strong Usage) 1. Strong Want - 1. To get laid. 2. High Stakes - 0.5 3. Tactical Variety - 2. To break the stigma of casual sex "we're just mammals." To get him to own up to how bad the internet dating service screwed up. To set herself apart from how most women she (and likely he) knows and why she love vets by different rules. All tactics serve to sell him on the idea. 4. Hook Opener - 2. Two words grab attention, show spunk, and establish her character's persona fast. Unique word choice "Shirty." 5. Button Finish - 2. Gives the actress an active reaction to play as she sizes he guy up. Comic gold potentially here. Try different deliveries with colleagues! Humor comes from the honest emotional moment. So what genuine reaction to the guy might someone be having that would make you giggle if you witnessed it? 6. Sensory - 0 7. Internal Obstacles - 0 8. Past/Present Balance - 0. All present action here. That's a good thing! (IF a monologue is a rememberence then it must be connected to and furthering the active present moment in some way). 9. Discovery - 1. If Sara doesn't know she's going to be so blunt (until the moment she is) it will have more power than if she had planned to say it or this is a shtick she uses frequently. 10. Restraint - 1. Understanding the moment before a monologue is key here. If Sara was biting her tongue and suffering inside the whole date until this moment, then she's been restraining her frustration until this moment when she releases it. This monologue is in part fantasy fulfillment. The thing we wish we were brave enough to come out and say. Sara likely feeling no liberated as she blows past the normal human fear of hurting the person she's with to being brutally honest. TOTAL "ELEMENT USAGE WEIGHT": 9.5 Loved this one! Tags: Comedic female monologues, Comedic monologues for women, Womens monologues, Audition monologues for women, Contemporary monologues, Modern monologues, Monologues from published plays, comedy monologues, comedic monologues, funny monologues, humorous monologues, 1 minute monologues, hilarious monologues, monologues for young women, strong outspoken female characters, sassy monologues, monologues about dating. 1-Sentence Summary: Alan demonstrates his irresistible charm to his friend Buddy by talking Chickie Parker into going to a friend's party with him.
Appreciated: How just within the space of a few words, Simon conveys how socially adept and charming Alan Baker can be. The smooth conversational segues from Switzerland as a topic to the Joke about a specialist Swiss doc recommending Alan has to see Chickie within the next half hour or he'll die. His excuse for not picking Chickie up, he has to pickup pretzels for the party. Age Range 30's Character's gender is male. Monologue genre is comedic. Find this monologue on page 32 of "The Collected Plays of Neil Simon Volume 1" from Simon's play "Come Blow Your Horn" Monologue Writing 101 Elements (0 = Not Used. 1 = Used. 2 = Strong Usage) 1. Strong Want - 1. To get a date and impress Buddy. 2. High Stakes - 0.5 3. Tactical Variety - 1. Flatters her, makes himself sound important, reminds her of who he is, avoids picking her up.. 4. Hook Opener - 1. A playboy goes through his little black book. 5. Button Finish - 1. Closes on a "Voila" which references how easy it is for him to conjure up dates for any event. 6. Sensory - 0 7. Internal Obstacles - 0 8. Past/Present Balance - 0.5. Past history with Chickie lightly referenced. Essentially piece is all present action (not a bad thing!) 9. Discovery - 0. 10. Restraint - 0 TOTAL "ELEMENT USAGE WEIGHT": 5 I like this monologue! It quickly establishes a character. And it's quick; monologue can be done in one minute. Tags: Comedic male monologues, Comedic monologues for men, Mens monologues, Audition monologues for men, Contemporary monologues, Modern monologues, Monologues from published books, Monologue collections, comedy monologues, comedic monologues, funny monologues, humorous monologues, 1 minute monologues. 1-Sentence Summary: A park ranger gives an engaged couple a tour of the woods and insists he is more entitled to the woods than they are.
Appreciated: The holier than though superior attitude the park ranger has over the people to whom he's speaking. How he shows off his knowledge of the flora and fauna. The great over the top joy and self satisfaction he takes in the woods. The absurdity of the sense of ownership he feels over the national park. Age Range 20's to 40's Character's gender is male. Monologue genre is comedic. Find this monologue in the collection "Men's Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny." I believe it is standalone (not from a play). Monologue Writing 101 Elements (0 = Not Used. 1 = Used. 2 = Strong Usage) 1. Strong Want - 0.5. To impress the couple, to show off. 2. High Stakes - 0.5. Maybe they won't be impressed. 3. Tactical Variety - 1. Shows of his knowledge, compares himself to Paul Bunyan... 4. Hook Opener - 1. Uses Latin word for a tree and refers to himself as "in the know" within first 5 seconds or so. 5. Button Finish - 1 6. Sensory - 0.5 7. Internal Obstacles - 0 8. Past/Present Balance - 0 9. Discovery - 0 10. Restraint - 0 TOTAL "ELEMENT USAGE WEIGHT": 4.5 Tags: Comedic male monologues, Comedic monologues for men, Mens monologues, Audition monologues for men, Contemporary monologues, Modern monologues, Monologues from published books, Minologue collections, comedy monologues, comedic monologues, funny monologues, humorous monologues. 1-Sentence Summary: When asked for winning stock tips, a psychic responds by explaining that if she could read the future she'd be rich herself.
Appreciated: The strength and self possession this character demonstrates. She is confident in what she can do (use tarot to read the customer's subconscious and reveal it to him) and what she can't (read the future). She uses tactics to discredit other psychics who claim they can to convince him to stay and use her services. But she never seems weak. She knows her value and is selling her services without overselling. Age Range 40's Character's gender is female. Monologue genre is comedic. But not funny haha. Find this monologue on page 47 of "222 Comedy Monologues: 2 Minutes and Under." Monologue Writing 101 Elements (0 = Not Used. 1 = Used. 2 = Strong Usage) 1. Strong Want - 0.5 2. High Stakes - 0.5 3. Tactical Variety - 1 4. Hook Opener - 1 5. Button Finish - 0.5 6. Sensory - 0.5 7. Internal Obstacles - 0 8. Past/Present Balance - 0 9. Discovery - 0 10. Restraint - 0.5 TOTAL "ELEMENT USAGE WEIGHT": 4.5 Tags: Comedic female monologues, Comedic monologues for women, Womens monologues, Audition monologues for women, Contemporary monologues, Modern monologues, Monologues from published books and novels, comedy monologues, comedic monologues, funny monologues, humorous monologues, 2 minute monologues. 1-Sentence Summary: A frustrated video store employee who just quit her job at Galaxy Video begs for it back.
Appreciated: Love the journey she takes, from struggling with the fact that she hates people (especially video store customers who ask dumb questions and put videos back in the wrong sections), looking inward to find out why (she can do that, look inward, because she "takes Yoga"), going to her and therapist to explore deeper, to realize it's because she's a talented stick figure artist. She draws stick figures! Age Range 20's to 30's. Character's gender is female. Monologue genre is comedic. Find this monologue on page 44 of "222 Comedy Monologues: 2 Minutes and Under." Monologue Writing 101 Elements (0 = Not Used. 1 = Used. 2 = Strong Usage) 1. Strong Want - 1 2. High Stakes - 0.5 3. Tactical Variety - 0 4. Hook Opener - 0.5 5. Button Finish - 1 6. Sensory - 0.5 7. Internal Obstacles - 2 8. Past/Present Balance - 2 9. Discovery - 1 10. Restraint - 1 TOTAL "ELEMENT USAGE WEIGHT": 9.5 Loved this monologue! Tags: Comedic female monologues, Comedic monologues for women, Womens monologues, Audition monologues for women, Contemporary monologues, Modern monologues, Monologues from published plays, comedy monologues, comedic monologues, funny monologues, humorous monologues, 2 minute monologues. Comedic monologue for a man. Character name is Ed. Age is unspecified, I'd say part reads as erudite adult male and could be anywhere from 20's, 30's, 40's on up. Monologue can be delivered within one minute.
Monologue starts on page 21 of Ives' short play collection "Time Flies." Opening line "A stroke of genius. I decide to be Degas for a day." Close the monologue on "...are Degas and I not united by our shared humanity? By our common need for love, coffee, and deodorant?" Get Time Flies by David Ives. Comedic one minute contemporary monologue for a woman.
Character is Fifi LeBlanc. In this bizarre and funny monologue Fifi tells us how she is someone's hallucination and questions the true nature of her identity. Big questions, bigger laughs! Starts on page 97 of "Time Flies" with the line: "In the great dance of life, the possible positions are so many, the organs are so few." Ends with: "Class, what is the question." Favorite bit: "...am I really Fifi LeBlanc, former au pair- or am I Aphrodite, the eternal goddess of love? Or am I, as I have begun to suspect, Franklin Spong, a gym teacher from Kankakee, wearing a dress? And how does this affect my health insurance?" Get Time Flies by David Ives. A man on vacation, Tom, enters the office of a Dr. Fritz to be treated for food poisoning.
Tom is greated by Maria, who is Dr Fritz's receptionist and she is also in fact Dr Fritz, a deceased German doctor who died in 1916 and possesses Maria in order to continue treating patients. Dr Fritz is hysterical. For any actor who wants to demonstrate their skill at the German dialect and comic timing, there couldn't be a better monologue. Technically the character is a woman posessed by a man but I think this monologue can be successfully delivered by either gender. The assemblage of the monologue I suggest below should run under two minutes. Start the monologue on the bottom of page 41 of "Time Flies" with the hook opener "Too many Coca Colas, it has eaten your brains." and continue until "von McDonalds." then skip to page 44 midway down "At fifteen you had a rash on your buttocks in ze shape of Santa Claus." and continue until "you thought you were going to die." then skip to page 45 toward the too "You zleep every day from ..." and continue until the button closer "Ziss is your entire shtupid life." removing the few interjections by Tom in this last section. Get Time Flies by David Ives. |
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