DECEMBER, 2022

In the hallway outside Dr. Fredrick's laboratory. Angela exits the laboratory. Chance follows after. 

​CHANCE
The entire human race is depending on us…kissing. On the lips.

Every time you kiss me, every neuron of my brain ignites with electricity. And your brain is doing the exact same thing. We are not being hit with a spark of love here. We are being electrocuted. And Dr. Fredricks is still trying to make sense of the data. Well I’m telling you, you don’t need a PhD to figure out what’s going on here. We have accidentally stumbled on a one in a million. life altering, game changing, transformational, I’ll just say it, love.

In all Dr Fredricks years of research, all the studies she’s run, she’s never seen the brains of two people kissing light up like this. What we are feeling is an anomaly in the human experience. And personally being inside that anomaly here with you, it is a god damn beautiful thing.  [Monologue continues here]

The "I Ate the Divorce Papers" monologue has taken on a life within the theatre community, particularly amongst young theatre people, that I could never have imagined. For some it's been a great resource, for others like an over-played pop song it haunts them and just when they think they'e escaped it, it comes back into their life. Having a little fun with that premise here with "I Hate the Divorce Papers." Enjoy! - Gabriel Davis-

(Monologist is eating at a restaurant. Perhaps on a date with a young man in financial services)

I hate the divorce papers. Please get that ketchup away. I don’t know, flag down the waiter. As a little girl I used to love ketchup. Now I can’t look at it without thinking of that monologue. You know that monologue “I Ate the Divorce Papers”? The one that basically haunts every theatre kid’s life. Some guy posted it on the internet and now no matter what monologue you’re looking for online, that’s the one you find. You could type “To Be or Not To Be” into Google and you would get back “To eat the divorce papers or not to eat the divorce papers.” Not! Please Not! 

You can’t escape that monologue. I begged our theatre teacher to ban that monologue from our school and … he did! It was heaven. People started doing Moliere and Marlowe and Mamet. Williams and Wild and Wilder. Finally. But then over the summer, that theatre teacher who banned “the divorce papers” won the lottery. So he was gone. And guess what came back? That’s right everyone went right back to chewing the scenery by “eating the divorce papers” and I was so sick of it.

And then my worst nightmare happened. My boyfriend was like, “I’m going to audition for Juilliard with ‘I Ate the Divorce Papers’.”  [Monologue continues here.]

Recently an actress reached out about my monologue “Yoga Fart” saying she loved it and really wanted to audition with it except for one issue … the farts. She was told auditors may find the topic to be in poor taste. Though that part is probably subjective and varies by audition, it got me to thinking: how can the monologue play on the character Amy’s discomfort with the act and the word "fart". What if she had to build up to actually uttering the word head on? They say to writers, use the "f word" sparingly. That's just what's been done here! - Gabriel Davis (author Yoga Fart)


​AMY:
I … passed gas in Yoga class. It was loud. And I didn't die. My heart started pounding but it did not explode. I thought I would be devastated but I was not. Instead something unexpected happened. I laughed. At first a little giggle and then a full blown belly laugh. In fact, I laughed so hard that I … passed gas again. And again, and again. Embarrassing, no? No. No.

I could feel people staring but I didn't care. I thought I would care. Feel my palms grow clammy, my chest tighten. No. I felt a lightness, wonder, awe. Who knew I had so much air inside me. My body had deflated but my spirit had inflated! I waited for the self loathing to come. But there was only... Stillness. Silence. Then in that silence, a little voice. I love you. Your body is amazing.

I realized, this was why I'd come to yoga in the first place. No, not to release my wind publicly. To release my wind publicly and survive it. I know, it's unladylike. But in the depth of this indignity, I had found my greatest strength. Here I was looking my fear in the face And believe me, I had feared this moment. I had played it out in my mind. And it always ended with all the ladies around me pulling hidden rocks out of their lululemon attire and stoning me mercilessly. But not much happened. Here I was staring fear in the face and realizing...it was a bunch of hot air. And i could release it!

I breathed in deep, so deep another loud exclamation of my new found freedom erupted from my behind. "Excuse me," the woman behind me said. "But could you step outside for a moment. Some of us are trying to practice yoga..." This should have destroyed me. It should have sent me whimpering out of the room. But I felt my calm breath, heard myself say: "Excuse me, but I am practicing Yoga. There are 84 known asanas. This is the 85th. The … fartnassana. Thank you very much. Yoga pioneer right here.”

Then something amazing happened. A little noise erupted from another corner of the room. A few other people giggled, then laughed, and then more noises erupted. And it was beautiful. A symphony of fartnassanas. I was free, they were free. And I realized in that moment...I was free of you, too. You can't hurt me anymore.

New comedic monologue for teens by Gabriel Davis.  Female, age range 13-18.

Synopsis: Zora is the leader of the space club. When her friend Ellie falls for Jake, Zora focuses the space club's attentions from the stars to something more terrestrial: Prom! Zora addresses Ellie. They are in a classroom used for the space club's after school meetings and the members of the space club are present. Ellie has been reluctant to go after Jake. In this monologue, Zora pledges that she and the entire space club will serve as Ellie's "mission control" on her daring mission to go to the prom with Jake. 

Read the monologue here.

(Monologist stands in front of her husband)

Last night, in your sleep you called out: “save this marriage!” When did you start thinking that?

Listen, as my mother says the key to a happy marriage is let go of the past and embrace a new beginning. Like she’s done with my father and step fathers.

That’s why we need to save this divorce! “Save this marriage”!!

You told me you were committed to our divorce. Are you actually considering ... giving up on it?

Don’t you dare give into those feelings that we’d be better off together... continue reading here.

A young writer, Annabel Swan, reached out to share this powerful, dramatic female monologue for teens:  "The Waiting List."

Annabel is a gifted writer with a keen ear for dialogue that feels real and natural.

So glad she reached out! For others reading this post, if you have monologues you'd like to showcase, don't hesitate to contact me at gabriel@alumni.cmu.edu! I'm always on the lookout for opportunities to draw awareness to and link to great work, like Annabel's!

Synopsis of "The Waiting Room" by Annabel Swan

A girl accompanies her best friend, Lily, to the school counselors office. It takes WEEKS to get these appointments. Shameful, but true.

She can't imagine what Lily needs an appointment for. Lily is the furthest thing from troubled...

And yet, Lily has asked her to join her “for moral support.”

Never in a million years would she have suspected that Lily had been struggling with suicidal thoughts. Not Lily, not perfect, together Lily ... and yet ...

She is floored by the realization, when a counselor asks Lily if she's had "thoughts." And Lily, her dear friend who she knows through and through, looks down .... unable to meet the counselor's gaze .... nods her head .... 

Lily has .... had .... thoughts.

The appointment ends. There probably will be some follow ups, but for now, the moment is over. It's back to class ... biology.

She is reeling emotionally, in shock, as she walks arm in arm with Lily. 

As she walks arm in arm with Lily back to biology class as if .... as if this day were still a normal one, as if this world, her world, hasn’t been irrevocably changed by Lily's truth..

 Nicely paced rendition of FIRE THE BOYS monologue for women.  From the play "Hello, Goodbye, Peace."  

Excellent female audition piece: Nina Mansfield’s monologue “Bite Me” from the play of the same name.

She's sassy, she's powerful, she's pissed .... and she's not afraid to mace a vampire in the parking lot. And then turn the tables on that sucker ... pun intended. Turning a creature of the night into HER prisoner!

Look for monologue starting with the line “So there he is stunned from the spray..”