On page 36 of Steve Martin's "Picasso at the Lapin Agile and other plays" you'll find a tight comedic monologue that will satisfy the two minute comedic contemporary monologue category for men. Character is Sagot, a middle aged art dealer, but if you're younger don't let that stop you if you feel you can deliver on the comic punches in this humorous monologue.

The monologues opening line clinches the "hook opening" category of Monologue Writing 101:

"I know that there are two subjects in paintings that no one will buy. One is Jesus, and the other is sheep."

And then it effectively works this premise with Sagot going into the awkward situations of having a pic of JC over the sofa when you're with friends "having a few drinks" or over the bed when you're "in the missionary position." And in the kitchen "that's sort of insulting to Jesus. Jesus, Ham Sandwich, Jesus, Ham Sandwich; I wouldn't like it and neither would He."

Suzanne recounts her romantic encounter with Picasso. Comedic monologue for a young woman, 19 to 20's (script says 19 but yeah ... )

Susanne is young, attractive, confident in herself. She knows the power she possess, that she is attractive to men. Picasso's appetite for consuming and devouring experience, life, her ... and transforming it into art ... sweeps her off her feet (right onto her back). She can tell he is significant, important. It is a brief encounter, a tryst, a flash in the pan, a powerful inexplicable moment of passion. And then he is gone. And she is left disappointed and yearning. She has come to the cafe Lapin Agile looking to see him again.

The monologue begins on page 18 of Picasso at the Lapin Agile and Other Plays with the line "I ... it was about two weeks ago." and ends on page 20 with "He told me about this place, that he might see me here one day, and that was two weeks ago." You'll have to cut interjections and decide on other internal cut within the piece to get it to audition time. For an example of how it can be cut see page 73 of 222 Comedy Monologues 2 Minutes and Under.

Great monologue if you are auditioning for a comedy, if the role will be one with some sex appeal and romance, if there is some erudition and sophistication to the characters in the play.

Favorite line:

​"Well at that point the word no became like a Polish village: unpronounceable."

Within Christopher Durang's short play 'dentity Crisis is a gem of a comedic monologue for women about a production of Peter Pan in which Tinkerbell doesn't make it. ..  

This is a two to three minute darkly comic monologue and is contemporary.  Suggested age range is 30+ but really, I've seen plenty of college students perform this and do an awesome job so whatevs.   Frankly a guy can do it too, who cares. There's nothing really gender specific about the monologue if taken as a standalone piece.

Ok so full disclosure this monologue used to be WAY overdone as an audition piece when I was in school back in the aughts.  Not sure if that's still the case for students attending college after the advent of the steam engine ... check with your drama teacher, coach or colleagues.   But it is hilarious.

So the premise:

Imagine you're a child taken to see the show Peter Pan, a children's fantasy filled with wonder and hope, right?  Nope! Instead Wendy and the flying children keep falling to the ground because the ropes are breaking.  The crocodile isn't an actor but a real crocodile.  And in the scene where Tinkerbell needs all the children to clap and revive her ... she dies.

By taking this classic story, which we all know, and completely destroying our expectation of what it should be and replacing it with a horror show some deep comedy gold is mined.   

Durang is irreverent, absurd and on point with his humor here.  No surprise since the guy is consistently brilliant and funny in basically everything he writes.  I hate him.  If it's not an overdone audition piece where you are, perform this one!  Post haste!  

Find the monologue toward the bottom of page 271 of the book Christopher Durang Volume 1: 27 Short Plays.   Monologue starts toward the bottom of page 271 with the line "When I was eight years old ... " and ends toward the bottom of 272 with "nothing seems worth trying if Tinkerbell's just going to die."

Favorite quote from this monologue:

"That wasn't enough.  You didn't clap hard enough.  Tinkerbell's dead."

Comedic contemporary two to three minute monologue for men. Age 25+

Monologuist gives advice on how to go about successfully dating your mother. Frazier handles this ridiculous and taboo premise with comic flare, taking an Oedipal approach with the monologuist doling out advice on how to cut your father out of the relationship.

Monologue is a great example of the hook opening described in Monologue Writing 101. The opening line of this absurd monologue is virtually guaranteed to wake up your audience:  "Dating your mother might seriously might seem difficult at first, but once you try it I'll bet you'll be surprised at how easy it is."

The comedy of this humorous monologue is born of the fact that the monologuist never acknowledges how wrong and taboo the premise is.

Great illustration of the "Straight Line/Wavy Line" concept from Steve Kaplan's excellent book The Hidden Tools of Comedy. In Frazier's monologue, the monologuist serves the role of "Straight Line."  The offstage person to whom the monologuist is speaking is the "Wavy Line."  Read Kaplan's book for "the deets," but in a nutshell "Straight Line" is the person in the scene barreling straight ahead in a highly problematic direction but totally blind and unaware that there is any problem. So the "Straight Line" is basically an idiot who doesn't see a obvious problem.  Perfectly describes Frazier's monologuist, who totally misses obvious problem of incest and only sees the obstacle of dad.  Meanwhile the "Wavy Line" is the person witnessing this madness and unsure how to handle it.  Clearly the person listening has not interrupted, so they are stuck hearing this mom-dating insanity and unsure how to respond.

Frazier's monologue is also a solid illustration of basic joke structure.  Check out chapter 1 of by Greg Dean's book Step by Step to Standup Comedy, where he breaks down how setup (expectation) and punch (surprise) function - includes diagrams!  But anyway, the basic jist is that in Frazier's monologue sets one expectation and then surprises us by taking a different direction.  Our expectation is the monologuist will talk about getting over the taboo of dating one's mom and instead he talks about getting one over on dad!

Preview author Ian Frazier's absurd monologue, which is part of his collection of humorous essays entitled Dating your Mom, by jumping over to google books. You can also order a copy here.

Comedic male monologue, age range 30's. Character Cosmo Kramer.

Monologue is from the fifth season of Seinfeld, episode 84 entitled "The Fire."

High energy, dynamic and funny. Kramer recounts the Herculean efforts he took to reunite a woman with her Pinky Toe.

The cause and effect of this monologue is awesome. Prior to the monologue Jerry has been booed during his standup act by a lady friend of Kramer's. In retaliation, Jerry goes to the office where she works and boos her. She gets upset and runs out of the office. The monologue begins by telling us what happened next.

Kramer tells Jerry and George how she was so distraught and distracted she stepped into the road and a street sweeper severed her pinkie toe. After the ambulance left, Kramer finds the toe. He packs it in ice in a Cracker Jack box and rushes to the hospital by jumping on a bus and yelling "step on it." On the bus a guy pulls a gun (probably to rob the people on the bus, but the monologue doesn't say) and Kramer has to knock him out to save the toe. In the commotion the bus driver has passed out and the bus is careening out of control. Kramer takes the wheel driving the bus. The robber wakes up and tries to attack Kramer. Kramer fends him off with one hand, while driving the bus with the other and making all the bus' usual stops! In the end, he gets to the hospital in time and his friend's toe is restored.

The high stakes situation, exaggerated action and imagery, the non-hero of Kramer in this heroic situation, the inclusion of incongruous mundane everyday elements (well if you're driving the bus of course you make all the usual stops!) makes this little monologue a mini masterpiece.

Suggest monologists performing this in audition say the lines that George and Jerry interject as if Kramer is hearing and repeating these questions back to them, since some of the questions serve as payoffs and punchlines to the humor embedded in the monologue.

The monologue is on disc 4 of the Seinfeld Season 5 DVD set in the episode entitled "The Fire."

Comedic monologue, female, teen, contemporary. 1 minute monologue.

The character's name is Howdy, she's 17 and overweight.

This monologue for a young women has a clear objective for an actress: convince Mrs. Becker, who believes the monologist is without ambition, that she in fact has BIG ambitions. She's going to join the World Wrestling Federation and become " BOOGER WOMAN" who will be "the hero for all fat girls."

Per Monologue Writing 101 this monologue is notable for its:

• Strong Want - Howdy's desire to standup to Mrs. Becker jumps off the page.  A+
• Engage the Senses - the monologue is filled with visual and to a lesser extent tactile language.  A
• Hook Opening - interesting word choice plus effectively engages the audience's attention on the monologue's premise.  A-
• Button Closing - finishes strong, building energy to a climax and sticking it to Mrs. Becker.  A

Available on page 10 of "222 Comedy Monologues 2 Minutes and Under."